


In vino veritas

by superkitten



Category: The Bold Type
Genre: Angst, Boss/Employee Relationship, Drinking, F/F, Mentor/Protégé, Pining, Slow Burn, musings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2019-06-12 13:45:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 39,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15341136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superkitten/pseuds/superkitten
Summary: Where talking to your boss while intoxicated is just as bad as it sounds.





	1. Blame it on the alcohol

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiii, it’s me again. I decided to write this because I both laughed at and felt bad for Jane watching last night’s episode. I just thought it’d be fun to let Jacqueline hear her unfiltered thoughts, so here we are.
> 
> There might be a part two, I have a few ideas. All mistakes are my own and English is not my first language, so please excuse any mistakes. Comments are love.

"You took away my chair," Jane said in the way of greeting.

It took a few beats for Jacqueline to connect the dots, and then she had to rely on her well-honed self-control to school her features into a neutral mask and not laugh at an indignant, clearly drunk Jane, slouching over the table, looking up at her accusingly. She thought she was just going to say a quick hello to the girl after spotting her when she got in with her friend Jennifer, and definitely wasn't expecting... this.

Silently motioning for Jennifer to wait for her at the bar for a few minutes, she turned to Jane with a sigh. "I did, yes," Jacqueline replied matter-of-factly, taking a seat across from the girl at the booth, not bothering to ask for permission.

"The new chair is very uncomfortable. I liked my old chair. I liked my old desk, too," Jane added, mumbling to herself now, no longer looking at her boss, who was still trying to make sense of this Jane in front of her.

This time, before Jacqueline could say anything in reply, the girl added, "You put me on the spot at my first meeting on my first day back.”

"And you... rose to the occasion, just like I knew you would," Jacqueline replied, encouragingly.

"Still... that was not nice," Jane said, looking down at her glass, holding it with both hands and sighing.

"No, I suppose it wasn't." Jacqueline couldn't keep the amusement out of her voice this time, she just hoped it wouldn't offend the girl even further.

"I thought you'd missed me." 

“I did miss you," the older woman said, trying to get the girl to look at her.

"You sure didn't act like it," she said with a snort, finally looking at her, before adverting her eyes once again. " _'I'm your boss'_ ", the girl said in a mocking tone. "I know that. Why do you keep saying that?"

Looking up, Jacqueline took a deep breath and wondered how to even begin to explain...

"I can't look at you from my desk anymore. I miss looking at you," Jane added, almost mindlessly, as if her boss was't there.

"How many of those have you had, Jane?", Jacqueline asked, her amusement quickly fading, replaced by surprise and concern.

"Fo-- five. I think."

"Okay. Jane --"

"No no no, don't 'Jane' me. I'm off the clock, you're not 'my boss' here," the girl replied, doing air quotes while holding her glass, which was, luckily, nearly empty, or its contents would've spilled all over the place.

Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Jacqueline was coming up with a plan to take an intoxicated Jane home when Sutton and Kat showed up, as if summoned by sheer will.

"Hi, Jane, we got your text and came as soon as we could," Kat said, her gaze flicking from her friend to her boss.

"Right, well, now that you're here I must be going," Jacqueline said as she got up from the booth, smiling at both girls.

"You should take her straight home," to which they both nodded.

Finally joining Jennifer at the bar, while Kat and Sutton coaxed a slightly belligerent Jane out of her seat, Jacqueline knew the next morning at work would definitely be interesting.


	2. The morning after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter! I hope it's half as entertaining as it was in my head. I enjoy torturing Jane, ok??
> 
> I'll keep it going because I'm having way too much fun. As always, please forgive any mistakes, and comments make my day. Thank you all so much who've taken the time to leave me kudos or write me a little something. :)

Kat and Sutton were standing in the kitchen, cooking breakfast in silence. After bringing Jane home last night, very curious as to what exactly they'd interrupted at the bar, and unable to get answers out of their tiny friend, who was pretty much dead to the world by the time her head hit the backseat of their Uber, Kat had called Adena to let her know her friend needed her so she was spending the night. If anything qualified as an 'all hands on deck' type of situation, this definitely did, she mused.

Cooking her now famous frittatas, the perfect hangover cure, while Sutton fixed coffee, they were both waiting with bated breath for signs of life from their friend's bedroom. They didn't have to wait long before they could hear the faint sounds of an alarm going off, followed by some rustling and groaning sounds. Then the alarm stopped. And no other noises followed.

Turning off the stove and staring at Jane's door, then at Sutton, Kat was contemplating knocking on her door when they suddenly heard a string of words that were getting closer and closer to where they were standing.

_"No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no..."_

Wincing at what was about to come, Sutton took a deep breath and plastered the fakest of smiles on just as Jane's door swung wide open and the girl, still wearing last night's clothes and looking like she'd spent the night in a dumpster, burst right out, staring at her friends with a wild look in her eyes.

"Please tell me I dreamed everything that happened last night,"

"Hmmm," Kat said.

"Morning, Jane," said a cheery Sutton, looking her friend up and down, desperate to find something to compliment her on and distract her from the situation. Finding nothing, she just gave up and looked at her feet.

"Can one of you please tell me I wasn't at a bar last night, with Jacqueline. Ranting at Jacqueline. My boss, Jacqueline."

"Well... she was there," Kat said sheepisly, and when Jane looked at her like she was about to burst a vessel, she quickly added, "But we don't know if you were ranting or what you were doing. By the time we got there, she was leaving your table."

"If it's any consolation, she didn't seem upset or anything," Sutton said.

"I... oh God," Jane said, taking a seat on the couch, trying to piece together the bits and pieces of information she could recall from the night before.

"What exactly do you remember? Start from the beginning," said Sutton, bringing her friend a tall glass of water from the kitchen, while Kat handed her a couple of aspirin from a bottle sitting on the coffee table.

After swallowing the pills and draining half her glass of water, Jane started talking. "I remember being upset about my first day back yesterday, and deciding I need a drink. You guys had already left, I had stayed late working on my gun article, so I decided to hit that bar near Scarlet and ordered a whiskey sour."

"Okay," Kat encouraged her. "Keep going..."

"I just.. I kept thinking about the way Jacqueline had treated me, exiling me to that stupid desk so far away from her office. Thinking about the stupid new chair they gave me, and how I couldn't adjust the seat, and it was driving me crazy. And I couldn't log in to my computer and was on the phone with IT for like an hour,"

"It was a sucky first day back," Sutton said in sympathy. "I know I didn't help things, with Betsy and everything," the blonde added, visiblty upset for having contributed to her friend's distress. Jane just waved a hand at her to let her know she was fine and the girl smiled.

"It was about Jacqueline. Nearly every disturbing thought in my head circles back to Jacqueline these days. I came to that conclusion last night. And I kept drinking,"

"See, that's where you did wrong," said Sutton, pointing a finger at her friend. Kat just gave her a _'No shit, Sherlock'_ look and said, "Keep going, Jane."

"I was just... thinking about her and that day. At some point, I remember actually speaking as if she was there. I don't know if I knew she was actually there or not though. Does that make sense?"

"Hmmm," Kat said again, scrunching up ser nose.

"What were you thinking? What do you remember saying?", an encouraging and curious Sutton added.

"I remember thinking about how she was acting different with me. How she criticized my article - which is fine, you know, it's not like I can't take the criticism, but she was harsh. And seemed so cold."

As both girls looked at Jane in silence, they could see the transformation slowly take place on the girl's face.

"What, what's happening?", asked Sutton, staring at a now very pale-looking Jane.

"I also remember... thinking about... her outfit? The black one with the... zipper..." Jane said, gesturing to her top, pulling an imaginary zipper up and down, not knowing how to even begin to broach this topic with her two best friends, who were still clueless about her... feelings.

"Oh, it was a cute outfit," an excited Sutton replied, happy to talk about clothes. "I pulled it from the closet for her, it's from Marc Jacobs's new collec--" "Not the point, Sutton," replied Kat, looking at Jane and sensing that was more to this than an appreciation for her boss' fashion sense.

"But did I just think it, or did I actually... say it to her?", a horrified Jane wondered, getting more upset by the second.

"Say what - that you thought her outfit was cute? How would that be a problem?", Sutton asked, confused. Having had enough, Kat motioned for her to stop talking as she took the lead. "Okay, Jane, what exactly were you thinking about the outfit?," the girl asked gently.

At this point Jane pressed a couch pillow to her face.

"ThatIwantedtopullthatzipperdownandseehernaked," Jane said, her words muffled by the pillow.

"What's that?," asked Sutton.

Taking a deep breath, removing the pillow from her face, blowing a strand of hair from her face, the girl closed her eyes.

"I said," a mortified Jane repeated, "That. I. wanted. to. pull. that. GODDAMN. zipper. down. and. see. her. naked."

"Oh," said Sutton. "OH!", she added, wide-eyed a few beats later, as what her friend said finally registered.

"Wow. Okay. Wow...", Sutton repeated herself, clearly having no idea how to keep going. Turning to her friend, she said, "Kat? Any thoughts?"

"Jane, I know you're upset right now, but having a crush is normal. Jacqueline is awesome, and a very attractive woman--"

"So attractive," nodded Sutton, trying to be supportive.

"And, you should, you know, just accept it and... live with it while it lasts," advised Kat.

"I have to quit again," an eerily calm but clearly distressed Jane said a few moments later.

"What? No one is quitting," Sutton said, getting nervous.

"I'll have to do it over the phone, too, because there's no way I'm facing Jacqueline again after last nig--"

"Hey, listen to me. You don't even know what you actually said or just thought. And knowing Jacqueline, she would never hold anything you did say against you in your state," a kind but firm Kat said, placing a hand on her friend's knee and looking her straight in the eye.

"Kat's right. Here what's going to happen. You are going to march straight into your bathroom, take a cold shower, put on a totally awesome outfit, which I'll help you pick out, do your makeup and turn your 'walk of shame' into a 'stride of pride'," Sutton said triumphantly.

"You gotta face the music, babe," Kat replied, patting Jane's knee and getting up.

"God help me," said Jane, as she got up from the couch and dragged her feet to the bathroom.


	3. Facing the music

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane faces her boss.

"Can I help you with something, Jane?", Jacqueline asked, looking up from her work to find the girl standing at her door looking like a deer in headlights.

Try as she might, Jane couldn't get a read on her boss. That was actually the norm, and one of the things that frustrated her the most about her relationship with the editor-in-chief, but given the events that had transpired the evening prior, it felt particularly frustrating. She could swear she could see a twinkle in Jacqueline's eye, even though the woman was acting clueless, and that unnerved Jane to no end.

"Yes, well...", she said, finally entering the room and gingerly approaching her boss' desk, "I just wanted to apologize if I said or did anything out of line last night..."

Jacqueline just raised her eyebrows in response.

"I don't actually remember a whole lot--"

"And it's driving you crazy," Jacqueline concluded, closing her binder and getting up from her chair, making her away around her desk to where the girl was standing. She crossed her arms and looked at Jane, waiting for her to continue.

Looking down at her hands, picking at her nail polish, the girl took a deep, fortifying breath and looked up, meeting Jacqueline's stare and holding it. It made the butterflies in her stomach flutter nervously, the way they always did when she looked at the other woman for too long. Ignoring her nerves, she decided to just be honest.

"I'm embarrassed. I probably shared some things I wasn't ready to, or never meant to in the first place."

"That's a risk one takes when they decide to drink as heavily as you were drinking, Jane,"

"It's not like I expected to run into you at that bar," Jane quickly responded, feeling like she needed to defend herself.

"I'm not judging. I'm just saying, it's a bar close to Scarlet, a lot of people here frequent the place, and I do have a social life, you know." Pausing for a few seconds for dramatic effect, she finally added, "I'm not just your boss,"

The second those words came out of Jacqueline's mouth, a key part of their conversation from the night before came rushing back to Jane, who wanted to die on the spot.

"Oh God..."

"In all honesty, you did make me feel a little bad. I had no idea people could get so attached to office furniture,"

"Oh no..."

"I'm sure you'll be happy to know I've already talked to Andrew. You're getting you your old chair back," she said with that trademarked Jacqueline Carlyle smirk.

Jane just pressed her lips together and nodded, mumbling her thanks and staring at the paintings on the wall behind Jacqueline, wishing more than anything for this moment to end. 

But at the same time, she just HAD to know...

"Hmm, can I ask you what else I... said?"

Cocking her head to the side, her eyes narrowing, Jacqueline just looked at Jane, silently asking the girl if she really wanted to know. It made her even more nervous, Jacqueline could feel the tension coming off of her in waves, and the woman finally relented with a sigh.

"If memory serves there was that whole speech about your chair. Also something about me being your boss, which, frankly, I didn't quite understand..."

"Hmmmmm," Jane mumbled, looking down at her feet, saying a silent prayer that the worst wasn't yet to come.

"And you accused me of being mean to you, for pushing you too hard on your first day back. I think that was it," Jacqueline concluded, her tone final, making her way around her desk once again and sitting down.

Jane looked up suddenly, relieved in ways she couldn't begin to articulate. "That's all?"

"Yep," Jacqueline said, already distracted by something on her computer.

"Okay. Well. Thank you and, again, I'm sorry,"

"Let's just put this little incident behind us, shall we?" Jacqueline replied, looking at the girl briefly before focusing on her screen once again.

"Absolutely. Consider it forgotten," Jane said, smiling, slowly backing away from the desk before turning to leave and practically sprinting towards the door. Just as she was opening it, she heard Jacqueline speak quietly behind her.

"I also miss being able to look at you from my desk, you know,"

Jane couldn't contain her reaction, freezing on the spot and letting out a very audible squeak. She could see Andrew out of the corner of her eye at his desk, staring at her with a puzzled look on his face. 

Not daring to turn to look at Jacqueline, the girl just cleared her throat and resumed walking, heading straight to the fashion closet.

Shaking her head slightly, equal parts amused and guilty for having taken such a cheap shot, Jacqueline decided right then and there she'd punished Jane enough for her indiscretion. She knew that there were certain... underlying issues behind the girl's outburst that they simply weren't ready to unpack yet. Things about her own behavior that Jacqueline herself wasn't ready to begin examining yet.

They'd probably need to have a more serious talk at some point.

When the time was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is a good place to end this story, but at the same time, I want to develop their relationship further. It’ll probably take a turn for the dramatic though, we’ll see...


	4. Overkill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane reflects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter. The title comes from Colin Hay's acoustic version of "Overkill".

Lying in bed late at night, Jane just couldn't fall asleep. She kept replaying the events of the previous week over and over in her head. Following the mortifying conversation she had with Jacqueline about "the incident", as Jane had started calling her drunken episode, things pretty much went back to normal. She was still "in Siberia", but her boss was true to her word and got her her old chair back, which was a small comfort, but a comfort nonetheless.

Jane still had the not so small problem of her "crush" to deal with, but she decided to take Kat's advice and just live with it. It was a frustrating decision for a take-charge person such as herself, but Jane saw no alternative. Jacqueline was her boss. She was married. _Jacqueline was her married boss_. She lived in her fancy condo with her impressive husband, their two perfect children and adorable dog. Who was Jane to her, anyway? What did she have to offer a woman like Jacqueline Carlyle that could make her decide to jeopardize what seemed to an outsider like Jane, at least, like a great family life? Not to mention an impressive career?

Jane would be downright depressed about her predicament were it not for those fleeting moments when she could swear she saw something in the woman's eyes when she was looking at her. Something Jane just didn't see when her boss interacted with other people around her, even when she was playing the role of mentor. It was almost like there was a part of Jacqueline Carlyle that was reserved for Jane and Jane only. The so-called rational part of her brain told her she was imagining things.

_And yet..._

In those special moments Jacqueline would look at her with fondness, respect and sometimes even admiration, all emotions Jane recognized and deeply appreciated, but there was something else there she couldn't identify. The woman was a mystery wrapped in an enigma, and if the girl was honest, that was part of her appeal. Jacqueline intrigued Jane, like no one else did, and that did something to her. Even if she was wrong about there being something else there, basking in the warm glow of Jacqueline's approval, learning from her and just being in her presence, which was both comforting and exciting, settling and unsettling, was enough for Jane. It would just have to be.

She couldn't believe she had actually considered quitting Scarlet - again. She was so embarrassed when she realized she might have inadvertently let the woman know how she felt that it made Jane forget for a second the hell on Earth those two months away from the magazine -- correction: away from _Jacqueline_ \-- had been. She craved her presence and the fact of the matter was that nothing she tried to fill the Jacqueline-shaped hole in her gut and her heart with had worked.

She really had tried. Thinking about Ben still made Jane feel guilty, because she knew she hurt him when she called things off. He was, in theory, the perfect guy. Smart, charming, handsome, attentive and considerate. Jane was instantly charmed by him and they had a lot of fun together. The sex was good, she had no complains about that. And when it came to relationships, Jane was a pragmatic. She believed those were built on things like respect, compatibility, companionship. Things Jacqueline seemed to have with her husband, and things Jane had had with Ben. For some reason, it wasn't enough for her. There was something missing.

While Jane's physical contact with Jacqueline had been limited to the brief hand touches and a couple of hugs, while she could count on one hand the number of times she had felt the woman's skin against her own over the course of the three years Jane had known her... those moments had thrilled her more than entire sweaty nights of sex with Ryan or Ben ever did. The simple fact was that her feelings for Jacqueline, confusing though they may be, had set the bar so freaking high for every other relationship that was to follow that Jane feared they were all doomed before they even started.

***

Giving up on sleep for the time being, Jane got up and made her way to the kitchen, trying to be as quiet as possible. Just as she was getting a cup from the cabinet, after having boiled some water, she heard noises behind her.

"Hey, tiny Jane," Sutton said in greeting, slowly making her way to the kitchen area.

"Sorry, did I wake you?", said Jane, turning to her friend.

"I wish," a bleary-eyed Sutton replied, taking a seat at the table.

"Tea?"

"Yes, please. Why can't you sleep? Jacqueline thoughts?"

"Yup. How about you? Let me guess - Richard thoughts?", Jane asked, handing Sutton her cup and taking a seat at the table.

"We're quite the pair, aren't we?"

"We sure are. How did we both end up with feelings for our superiors?"

"Beats me," Sutton replied, rolling her eyes. "We're walking clichés." A moment later, the blonde added, "I saw his girlfriend again."

"What? When?"

"She was with Jacqueline at the bar the night of 'the incident'," Sutton replied.

"Oh wow, I had no idea she was there."

"Yes, well... I'm surprised you remember *I* was there, and I dragged your ass home," a teasing Sutton responded.

"Are you ok?", asked Jane, ignoring her friend's attempt at humor.

"No. But I'm gonna be. _We_ are gonna be ok."

A smiling Jane covered Sutton's hand with her own, as they both sat in companionable silence, knowing sleep would be difficult to come by that night.


	5. Take my Breath Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane is vulnerable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've edited this story to add the "Slow-burn" category to the tags. I hope you guys come along for the ride, as I'm laying down some serious groundwork here, and the thing is, some chapters will be dynamic, while others will feature Jane doing some soul searching; some will have humor (I'm a goober, I can't help myself, but in my defense, it seems to vibe with the show!), while others will definitely be dramatic. 
> 
> TL;DR, but this is my first ever multi-chapter fic so I have no frame of reference and while right now I feel like this is gonna take forever to complete, I don't know, a new episode might come along that'll turn this thing on this head. I just felt like giving you guys a fair warning. :) 
> 
> I've also been naming my chapters after the songs I've been listening to while writing, fyi. Take My Breath Away - Berlin, in this case.

“Look alive, people, pitch meeting starts in five,” Jacqueline called out to her staff, typing on her phone as she crossed the room, briefly catching Jane’s eyes on her way to the conference room and smiling at her.

That small gesture perked Jane right up and she sat back at her desk, correcting her posture, the butterflies in her stomach making their presence known for the first time that day. The girl had spent the morning as if in a trance, having slept for no more than three hours the night before. She hadn’t seen Sutton in a while but she knew her roommate was also dead on her feet. Luckily the copious amounts of coffee they’d both had before coming in had helped some. At least Jane hadn’t fallen asleep on her desk, and for that she was grateful. _No more humiliating incidents in the general vicinity of her boss for her, thank you very much._

Taking her seat right next to Jacqueline at the table, who was still immersed on her phone, Jane busied herself with opening her notebook and reading her notes as her colleagues took their seats. She had an idea for an article she wanted to pitch to her boss but, as usual, she was nervous about her reaction. Jacqueline’s approval meant a lot to her, it had the power to make or break her day, which meant Jane was on pins and needles waiting to find out if she’d leave this room having received an approving smile or disappointed look from the woman. Alex sat next to her and smiled in greeting. Just as she was about to talk to him she heard Jacqueline’s voice, as she started to talk about next month’s issue, hearing suggestions and also handing out assignments.

“To finish things off here— Pope Francis’s visit to New York this month made some waves. Jane, I want you doing a piece on it for the magazine.” Jane instinctively opened her mouth to protest before catching the look on Jacqueline’s eyes and promptly closing it, nodding in the affirmative. “Good,” said Jacqueline, and then, “Alright, class dismissed.”

***

“I know she wants me out of my comfort zone but it’s been one thing after another since she gave me my job back,” complained Jane to Sutton and Kat, as the three of them entered the fashion closet. Sutton needed to put together a look for Oliver and made a beeline for the racks to look for the right pieces.

“Does she even know your views on religion?”, asked Kat, taking a seat on the couch.

“Well, I haven’t really talked to her about it, no.”

“Then it sounds to me like she was just giving you a meaty story. Politics and religion are not what Scarlet is known for, and these pieces are always a risk. She’s trusting you with something important.”

“I hadn’t thought about it that way,” a daunted Jane said. “I need a good angle for this story.”

“Jacqueline’s m.o. is to push you out of your comfort zone, tiny Jane,” a yawning Sutton opined while examining accessories. “Choose one that makes you want to run for the hills.”

“That’s when you write some of your best material,” nodded Kat, as Sutton sat down on the floor next to her friends.

Before Jane could say anything the door opened and Oliver entered the room, freezing on the spot as he looked at the three girls.

“Seriously - what are we paying you guys for?”

Sutton scrambled to her feet, quickly collecting the pieces she’d already picked out, while an unfazed Kat, who was closest to the door, made her way out saying, “See, this is the kind of atitude that keeps one from being invited to black people snack time,” earning a chuckle from him. Jane was so distracted by her thoughts she just stood there for a while, until Oliver cleared his throat, prompting her to look at him, startled. The man was not even her boss but he had a way of making her nervous when he looked at her like that. “I just needed… this, for a… thing,” Jane said, grabbing the nearest object she could find and leaving the room, Sutton right behind her.

As they were walking down the hallway, Jane examined the item she’d grabbed. Frowning, she asked the blonde, “What is this?”, turning it around in her hand.

***

Jane had spent the rest of that day and the following one researching her article and still hadn’t thought of an angle. Distracted by her 73rd google search, which was currently on her screen, she didn’t even notice the office was empty, having distractedly waved goodbye to Sutton and Kat a couple of hours before. Empty except for her and the person currently approaching her desk.

“Judging by the frown on your face I’d say you still have a long way to go,” said Jacqueline, making Jane nearly jump out of her skin.

“Jacqueline, you scared me,” said Jane, bringing a hand to her chest. The woman just smiled and sat on the corner of Jane’s desk, crossing her arms and looking at her.

“Talk to me, Jane.”

Sighing, the girl opened and closed her mouth a couple of times before simply saying, “I don’t know where to begin.”

Noticing they weren’t alone, as one of her employees had just entered the room, Jacqueline got up and said said, “Come with me,”

The two made their way to her office, where Jacqueline closed the door and sat beside Jane on her couch. “What’s bothering you about this piece?”

“I just... don’t believe in religion, and writing about the Pope and the Catholic church is not easy for me”, Jane said matter-of-factly.

“You don’t believe in gun ownership, and you still ended up writing a great story, honoring your friend's pov,” said Jacqueline.”After a disastrous first attempt, granted, but you got there,” a smirking Jacqueline said.

“I know. This is... even more personal than that,” she said. “When I think about religion I think my mom dying in a hospital bed. I think about bargaining with God to spare her life and how that didn’t matter in the slightest. I think about feeling guilty thinking it was my fault, that I musn’t have done it right, because she'd told me to pray, but she still didn’t live,” said Jane, making a valliant effort not to cry but getting teary-eyed despite her best efforts.

When Jacqueline touched her hand, their body language mirroring that of previous conversation they had had on the topic of her mother, Jane just chuckled.

“What?”, Jacqueline asked, gently.

“Why am I always such a mess around you?,” Jane said, both comforted and embarrassed once again by her boss.

 _And there it was in Jacqueline’s eyes, that certain something she simply couldn’t identify_ , but that made the butterflies all agitated.

“Well, I can’t take full credit for the last time it happened, at least,” Jacqueline said, smirking, earning a timid chuckle from Jane, who immediately felt ten times better about the whole thing and marveled once again at the woman’s ability to influence her emotions to such an extent.

“I just wish I was... _stronger_ ,”

“Jane, being vulnerable and in touch with your emotions is what makes you a good writer. It’s a gift, not a curse. And it most definitely doesn’t make you weak. You just need to channel those feelings into your writing by embracing them and not running away from them,”

Seeing the wheels still turning in Jane’s head, she added, "I’m honored you’re open and honest with me, and I’m always happy to help you if I can. Okay?”

“Okay,” Jane said, smiling, wishing she could spend the night in that office, sitting on that couch with Jacqueline, looking into her eyes, talking about everything and nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me on tumblr @ fyeahjacquelinecarlyle.


	6. Maybe I'm amazed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected run-in has unexpected consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter - a short but hopefully sweet one. 
> 
> The song I'm listening to is Jem's version of "Maybe I'm amazed" (I just hear "the only one" instead of "only man" and it totally works for me - for them, IMO).

_Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song_

_Right me when I'm wrong_

_Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you_

***

"I need to go to the bathroom," a grumbling Sutton said. It was Friday night and the girls were at their usual hangout spot wanting nothing more than to relax and have some fun after a long work week.

"Well, go then, you don't need permission," said Kat.

"I don't wanna go alone," she replied, pouting. "Come with me? Pleeeeease?"

Rolling her eyes, Kat just said, "Fine. Move then," she said, lightly pushing Sutton out of the booth. Jane was laughing as both her friends got up and made their way to the ladies room, Kat lightly pushing her the whole time. Just then she looked towards the door and saw a very familiar silhouette entering the bar, causing her eyes to widen.

_"Well, damn."_

***

Jacqueline was distractedly making her way to one of the tables in the back, but as she passed the booths she heard a voice to her right.

"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in the world..."

Recognizing it immediately, a surprised smile showing up on her face, she turned towards the sound and saw Jane, looking like the proverbial cat that ate the canary, chin propped up in one of her hands.

"Well, hi there," Jacqueline said in greeting. A moment later, "Haven't we already established this is a bad idea?"

Raising her hands, Jane said, "Hey, I'm nowhere near Scarlet. There was no way for me to know you'd show up here." Then, "This is quite the coincidence though. Have you lojacked me or something?", asked Jane, making a show of sounding suspicious.

"Oh yes, I do that to all my employees," Jacqueline said with a straight face. "Helps me keep tabs on them during working hours," she added in a conspiratory tone.

"Good to know," Jane said with a laugh. "Wanna sit?"

"I'm waiting for someone, but they haven't arrived yet," Jacqueline said looking towards the door and then at her watch. "That 'Casablanca' reference gets you a few minutes of my time, I suppose," she said, taking a seat across from Jane.

"Just for the record, in case you were wondering, I'm not drunk right now," Jane said, eyes wide, motioning towards her beer.

"So no drunken admissions from you this time, huh?"

"Well, not unless you manage to get them from me,"

"And how exactly would I do that?" Jacqueline said, putting on a confused air.

"Oh, you have your ways. I'm sure you've noticed you just have to look at me a certain way and I spill the beans on anything. No alcohol required,"

"Oh," Jacqueline nodded, that wicked smirk painting her lips. "What way is that?"

If Jane didn't know better she'd think they were... _flirting_. A warmth spread to her stomach. She just smiled, but didn't say anything.

"Are you here by yourself?" asked Jacqueline, shrugging out of her jacket, dropping the subject for the time being.

"No, Sutton and Kat are around here somewhere...", Jane said, suddenly remembering her two friends, and wondering why they were taking so long. Just as Jacqueline looked down at her phone to reply to a text message, she turned around to look for them and saw Kat and Sutton practically hiding in a corner, the former waving at her, the latter making a thumbs up sign, both smiling like idiots. Turning back around towards Jacqueline, rolling her eyes but laughing despite herself, she got a curious look from the woman, who looked up from her phone. "What's funny?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Are you sure you're not even a little... tipsy?" Jacqueline asked, narrowing her eyes.

"I'm sure. I'm just being silly," Jane said, still smiling like an idiot. _Why was she happy?_

"Ok, well... this place is nice, I've never been here before," Jacqueline said, looking around.

"It is. The three of us come here all the time, normally on karaoke night. It's not usually this quiet though." A moment later, "Who are you meeting, if you don't mind me asking," said Jane.

"My friend Jennifer. We have a 'girls night' type thing once a week or so when she's in town,"

"Ah," said Jane. "I've heard about her," Jane said, peeling off the label of her bottle.

"That was her that texted me just now, she said she'd be a few minutes late," Jacqueline said.

"Lucky me," blurted out Jane, before she could think. Jacqueline just smiled at her, and despite being a little shy, Jane held the woman's gaze. "I just mean... it's nice seeing you outside the office."

"Likewise," said Jacqueline, a smirk still on her face.

"Especially when I'm... in control of my faculties and aware of my surroundings," said Jane, getting agitated for some reason. _Damn, she and she'd been doing doing so well._

"Jane," said Jacqueline, touching her hand on the table. _She seems to do that a lot_ , thought Jane absentmindedly.

"I shouldn't have... teased you about that night. I don't want you to be uncomfortable around me," she added, becoming a little serious.

"I know. I'm not," she said instinctively. Thinking for a moment, she added, "Well, I am, actually. But in a way I've always been," she said.

_There's that honesty again, she thought. She wasn't drunk, had she been drugged?_

Frowning a bit, Jacqueline cocked her head to one side, wanting her to continue.

"Don't get me wrong, you're so nice, even when I screw up,"

"So I don't... scare you?"

"No, not that. Never that,"

"Then what?"

"You're just... you. Your presence can be a little... intimidating."

"I still don't understand."

"Come on, Jacqueline. You're one of the most powerful women in our business. You rub shoulders with the rich and famous on the regular. You're a great writer. An inspiration for all women out there. Do I need to keep going?"

"Well, it's doing wonders for my ego, so if you're so inclined..." she said, gesturing for Jane to keep going, making the girl laugh.

Choosing to keep something else she wanted to say to herself ("YOU'RE JUST SO BEAUTIFUL I GET BUTTERFLIES,"), Jane offered instead, "I guess I get nervous because... I care about what you think of me. A lot," _Too much_ , probably, Jane thought but didn't say.

Understanding gracing her features, Jacqueline just gave her a nod, smiling. "I think nothing but nice things about you, so you have nothing to concern yourself with," she said, her hand moving to cover Jane's again. _Does she know what she does to me when she does that?_

"You make me want to be... better. A better writer, a better person," _I want you to be proud of me_ , she thought.

"That makes me very happy to hear. I want to help you achieve your dreams in any way I can," her hand lightly caressing Jane's. "You have tremendous potential, you just have to keep at it. I expect great things from you."

Jane's eyes filled up despite herself and she gave Jacqueline a trembling but grateful smile. This is so not how expected her Friday night to go but it couldn't have been any better.

 


	7. Why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Some things are better left unsaid. But they still turn me inside out".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken me a while to post this chapter - work has been kicking my ass lately. Not to mention, my brain keeps coming up with post-episode AUs and random one-shots, and this story ended up relegated to the back burner. Hopefully this will change!
> 
> Song for this chapter is "Why", by Annie Lennox.

Jane looked back and forth between her two friends, who were just staring at her without saying a word. Taking a long swig of her beer, she just blinked and nodded once in that universal, _“ok, lemme have it_ ” way.

“You are soooooooo smitten,” finally said Sutton, a big grin on her face, teasing her friend.

“Come on,” replied Jane, rolling her eyes.

“Such a smitten kitten…”

“In case you’ve forgotten, you’re supposed to be discouraging this insanity, instead of egging it on,” Jane said, enunciating every word carefully as if explaining something to a five-year old, looking pointedly at Sutton. _Jane thought she, of all people…_

“Look, I’m just calling it like it is. Whatever it is you were doing tonight, from where I was sitting, at least, seemed to be doing you good.”

“She is right, you know, you were positively radiant,” offered Kat, batting her eyelashes. Then she became a bit more serious, “So long as you accept whatever this is… for what it is…”

“Which is a crush,” Sutton added, nodding.

“… there’s nothing that says you can’t have fun,” Kat concluded. “You obviously enjoy spending time with Jacqueline,”

“I do, that’s the whole problem,” said Jane, looking heavenwards before closing her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose. Her friends clearly had no idea this so called crush was living up to its name as it was nearly crushing her with the weight of its intensity, but that was something she was not ready to share yet.

“But that’s what we’re saying, it doesn’t have to be. You guys are past ‘the incident’, aren’t you?” asked Sutton.

“I think so? I just don’t want to act like an idiot around her. And going by what you guys are saying—“

“Hey—from where I was standing you looked like two people who were having a really nice conversation. Whatever the vibe, it was not one-sided.”

That simple observation was enough to make Jane’s heart skip a beat. Looking at Kat for confirmation, she just nodded, which made her feel a little bit better about the whole thing.

As the focus of the conversation shifted and Kat and Sutton started arguing about something Jane couldn’t care less about, she took another swig of her beer, daring to sneak a peak at Jacqueline’s table down the hall, where she was still chatting with her friend. As if sensing Jane’s eyes on her she turned her head and looked at her, who instantly felt like the proverbial kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar. Jane’s first instinct was to advert her gaze, but thinking about her friends’ advice, and simply exhausted of being a pile of nerves all the time, she made it a point to sustain their eye contact. This time her effort was rewarded by a barely there smile, and what she had catalogued in her mental inventory of Jacqueline expressions as the laser sharp Jacqueline Carlyle look, in all its heavy lidded intensity, which never failed to make her weak in the knees. _Ten points for Gryffindor_ , Jane thought, finally adverting her eyes after Jacqueline turned her attention back to her friend, flagging the waiter down for another beer.

***

The next day following their encounter at the bar saw Jane arriving at work not knowing what to expect. But even not expecting anything in particular, she was not ready for a Jacqueline that was nothing but professional and curt to her that whole day. She couldn't explain to anyone what was different, as she couldn't exactly complain about not receiving a smile from her boss as she made her way to the conference room for a meeting, or about spending a whole day not being on the receiving end of another one of those enigmatic looks that Jane had convinced herself were hers and hers alone... _but something was different_.

There were a lot of things that Jane still had to figure out. Things about herself, about her feelings for her boss. One particular thing she had already picked up on (and was trying really hard to understand) was that almost every... _personal_ , for lack of a better word —interaction with Jacqueline, where she was kind and warm and open with Jane, was usually followed by another one where she was… not _cold_ , _not exactly_ , but she sure was _distant_ , and made sure to remind Jane, with the tone of her voice, her body language and sometimes even her words (“What I am… is your boss”) of their roles in their relationship. And just like that, the lines that had become blurred by alcohol, intimate lighting and personal confessions, became, once again, clearly drawn in the sand. And she didn't know how to react to that.

Working furiously on her latest article, which she had been viciously critiqued on earlier that day ( _talk about deja-vu_ ), Jane had said goodbye to her friends distractedly. She wanted it finished by tonight, so she could go home and sulk, and turn over a new leaf. _Jacqueline would have to find something new to pick on_ , Jane thought, knowing she was being childish but not giving a damn. Angry was better than confused. And it was definitely better than sad. 

Finally finishing things up, Jane gathered her things and took a fortifying breath before popping inside Jacqueline's office.

"I'm heading out, I just e-mailed you my article," Jane said in what she hoped was a polite, if monotone, tone of voice, and when she received an equally polite 'thank you' in return from Jacqueline, who didn't even look up from her computer screen, she fought an eye roll and turned to leave.

When she heard a soft spoken, _"Jane..."_ as she was several paces away from the door, she chose to ignore it and kept on walking.

 


	8. Shelter from the storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane tries to find a way to deal.
> 
> Song I was listening to while writing this was Bob Dylan's "Shelter from the storm".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Want to know a secret? I wrote most of this at work. Please don't tell my boss.

"Remind me again why... we're doing this," a rapidly out of breath Sutton said, as she and Jane ran next to each other, their feet pounding their treadmills.

" _I..._ am doing this because... it was either this... or drinking my weight in alcohol, which history has shown... is never a good idea," said Jane, who wasn't faring much better than her friend. " _You_ are doing this... because you're a supportive friend and I need you here... in case I decide to say 'screw it' and go to the nearest bar and indeed drink my weight in alcohol... as I'd run into Jacqueline again... because, Lord knows... she'd just materialize out of thin air..."

"Ok, but does it have to be this, can't we like... meditate or... do yoga? I can teach you... some poses..."

"Hello, have we met?"

"Ok... I get it. But if you don't mind, I'm just gonna... stop... for a bit," Sutton panted, slowing down before finally halting to a stop, moving to rest her head against the equipment, her feet on either side of the belt.

"Be my guest," a nearly dead on her feet Jane said, still moving out of sheer determination, a steely look in her eyes. She could still her Jacqueline's soft utterance of her name in her head. And she had to keep running until she couldn't anymore.

_"Jane..."_

After catching her breath, Sutton drank from her water bottle and moved to stand in front of Jane with a concerned look in her eyes. She was about to say something, when she was interrupted. "I don't need to talk... I don't need to do anything except this... so I can actually get some sleep tonight."

"Okay," Sutton replied, taking a seat on a bench nearby and waiting for her friend to exorcise whatever demons she was battling that night.

***

Not even Tarte's Shape Tape could cover the dark circles under Jane's eyes the next morning, but despite being tired, she was calm. After she and Sutton had left the gym late that night (technically, early this morning), she was able to take a shower and go straight to bed, managing to get a few blissful hours of uninterrupted sleep before her alarm woke her up. Now she had her game face on, and was steeling herself for whatever version of Jacqueline decided to make her presence known today. All business, distant Jacqueline? She was ready. Warm, kind Jacqueline? As if on cue the butterflies woke up in her belly, and she rolled her eyes. Her Pavlovian response to even her memories of the woman was pathetic.

Waiting for their staff meeting to start, she made sure to focus on her notebook and not the door like she usually did when she was waiting for Jacqueline to arrive (so she could admire whatever hot outfit she was wearing that day). As a result, she heard her before she saw her, greeting her staff before taking her seat at the head of the table. Jane only looked up when asked about ideas for the next issue, which she promptly volunteered, finally daring to look at her boss. Jacqueline had a perfectly normal (i.e., lovely) look on her face. She also approved Jane's pitch. So she was getting nice!Jacqueline today. Good. But she still felt like she had to exercise caution around her.

Better safe than sorry.

***

Jane was not an Olympic athlete. Hell, she wasn't even a proper gym rat, so there was only so much running and weight training she could do to try and keep her thoughts and feelings at bay. She was sleeping a little better and her jeans were fitting nicer, but her Jacqueline Carlyle turmoil was far from over.

The young mothers piece she was working on was throwing her for a loop. Having to deal with her reproductive issues was hard enough, and writing this article seemed like an impossible task at the moment. Avoiding her boss, who wanted to see her work, was getting more and more difficult.

She was in the closet, having just changed her clothes after pulling an all-nighter with her friends, when Andrew showed up. "Jane, Jacqueline would like to see you in her office. She really wants your young moms piece?"

***

Jane didn't know what made her more sad. Her BRCA gene mutation and all its implications or being, once again, exposed to this oh so lovely version of Jacqueline, who was all softness, sweetness and deep, deep sympathy. It took all of 0.2 seconds for Jane to fall into her eyes. And to think she actually thought she could protect her heart and not be vulnerable with her. What a  a laughable notion.

Jacqueline's hand moved to cover hers in a gesture that had become very familiar, but the shock it sent to her system was always a surprise. Jane didn't think she would ever get used to the feeling of the woman's skin against her own. And she shouldn't. She shouldn't get used to it, she shouldn't expect it. _She shouldn't need it so much_. 

"I hope you know I'm always here to talk... about anything." She was saying all the right things, her words, her presence a balm to her troubled heart. How easy it was to love this woman.

Love.

_Fuck._

_***_

_"_ Welcome back!", Kat said jokingly, as Jane threw back a tequila shot, barely wincing before biting on a slice of lime.

"Seriously though. Welcome. Back," Sutton added. "As much as my ass thanks you for those trips to the gym, it needs a break."

"To unhealthy copying mechanisms," toasted Kat. Downing a second shot before saying a word, Jane said, "I'll... keep drinking to that. Just promise me one thing? If Jacqueline Carlyle walks in through that door, don't let me say a word to her, just get me out of here pronto."

"You got it, babe."


	9. On the tequila

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deja-vu all over again.

"Ok, so here's the thing," Jane said, head propped up against one of her hands, eyelids heavy. She'd lost track of the number of tequila shots she'd downed that night. She just wished she could get the room to stop spinning for a moment so she could organize her thoughts a bit better. She had something to explain to her friends, something important.

After a long stretch of silence, Kat said, "What thing?"

"Hmmm?", Jane said, a finger lazily tracing the rim of her glass.

"You said, 'here's the thing'. What thing is that?", Sutton explained, clearly amused by Drunk!Jane. Drunk!Jane was her favorite. Thousands of times better than GymRat!Jane, but followed closely by StressCleaning!Jane, because she did like a spotless apartment but hated to clean.

"Maybe it would be best if we called it a night," Kat said.

"No, no. Just give me a minute. I'm sure it'll come to me," Jane said with a sigh, her fingers moving to massage her temples.

"I'd say this is either about you having to decide whether to have kids or not and how or a certain blonde boss lady whose pants you want to get into."

Remembering her ordeal, Jane groaned and moved to lay her head down on her arms on the table, effectively hiding her face from view and mumbling something her friends couldn't hear.

"You're gonna have to say that again," Kat said, throwing a scrunched up paper napkin at her friend's head.

Raising her head slightly so her chin was resting against her arms instead of her forehead, Jane said, "I said, 'she drives me crazy'."

"Hun, we been knew."

"What did she do now?"

"Lots of things," Jane said, sitting up, her frustration sobering her up a bit. "She does... things all the time. Like, first she was all, _'You have to live in this failure, Jane'_ ," she said all serious, in a mocking imitation of Jacqueline, "... and wouldn't take me back, then she practically seduced me trying to get me back..."

"Whoa, what? _Seduced_?", Sutton said, eyes wide, stuffing her face with what was left of their mini-pretzels. Things were getting really interesting.

"YES. Like, she was giving me this look, right? This... smouldering look," Jane said. "And she leaned over the desk, all seductive, and was all, _'I want you back at Scarlet, Jane_ '", the girl said, using a sexy voice - as sexy as she could manage in her state.

Kat's eyes were was wide as Sutton's at this point. "You never told us that before!"

"It really didn't... register before, I guess. Especially because she followed that by basically trolling me when I first got back. Giving me that stupid chair..."

Widening her eyes at the thought of having to hear Jane ranting about her chair once again, Sutton immediately locked eyes with Kat, who was quick to say, "So now you're rethinking every interaction you had with her and trying to make sense of things," she said, smiling in relief when her strategy worked and Jane moved on from the topic.

"And yet, nothing does."

Moving to sit next to Jane in the booth, Sutton put an arm around her friend, saying, "I wish I knew what to tell you to make it all better, Tiny Jane."

"There is one person who can provide you with some clarity. My advice to you is, wait for your window and when you get the chance, don't miss it." Kat said.

"That's very wise," Jane said, nodding once. "Make sure to remind me of that tomorrow," she added, before motioning for the waiter to bring her another shot.

***

"I thought hangovers were like 90% about your attitude?", Sutton said, teasing Jane, who was laying down on the couch looking like death warmed over.

"Bite me," she said, grabbing a corner of the throw blanket from the back of the couch and covering her head with it.

"I thought you'd like to recap our convo from last night at the bar. You asked me to remind you of some things that went down," Kat said.

"You mean your advice about asking Jacqueline if she actually wants or not?", Jane said with a snort. "I do remember that."

"Then you also remember when she showed up and you asked her about it?"

"WHAT?" Jane said, trying to throw the blanket away from her face, but so agitated she managed to get all tangled up. When she finally managed to get free, she could see her friends looking at her, not bothering to contain their laughter.

"OH MY GOD," she said, sitting up and picking up a throw pillow, throwing it in their general direction.

"Hey, you deserved that for giving us attitude," Kat said, sitting on the couch next to Jane. "We're even now."

"You scared me half to death!" Jane said, her heart still pounding.

"You asked us to have your back if she did show up, remember?", Sutton said. "From now on, when there's Tiny Jane and alcohol, there's Sutton and Kat to the rescue."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you guys wanted another run-in, but unlike the writers of The Bold Type, who have no problem with Pinstripe riding elevators all day waiting to run into Jane, I just couldn't bring myself to write another bar encounter, not this soon. Something like that will happen again at some point, trust me. ;) Until then, we got to torture Jane some more, yay!


	10. The Power of Madonna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Madonna, bitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long (for my standards) chapter. I KNOW! I don't believe it either. For some reason this thing comes to my brain in snapshots and I have a stream of consciousness thing going, but I wanted to write something longer and took my time with this. I hope you guys enjoy it, feedback is appreciated.

"Is Madonna actually showing up at this year's party?", asked a wide-eyed Jane as she scanned her phone, re-reading the latest tweet from Scarlet's official account, which had been posted earlier that day. The three friends were on their lunch break, after an exciting morning where their editor-in-chief had announced to her staff the official plans for next month's issue, which up until then, only department heads had been privy to. Scarlet's August issue would feature Madonna on the cover, with Jacqueline Carlyle herself writing the cover story. Not coincidentally,  Jacqueline, who was then just a writer for the magazine, had written the feature for Scarlet's first Madonna cover twenty years earlier, when the singer was promoting her album _Ray of Light_.

"I know as much as you, I think Jacqueline is still finalizing all the details. I'm supposed to keep people guessing in order to create buzz, and judging by our numbers..." Kat said, her face breaking into a smile as she checked the account stats, "...it seems to be working. The Scarlet party and Madonna issue are the talk of Twitter!"

"Yay!", said a smiling Sutton, clapping, before turning serious. "We need to start thinking about our outfits!"

***

_Borderline, feels like I'm going to lose my mind_

_You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline..._

***

When Jane entered the ballroom, her eyes flittered around, trying to drink it all in at once. While the place had taken on the nostalgic atmosphere of a vintage Madonna music video, in all of its 80's glory, the decor also brought an air of contemporary elegance to the place that suited Scarlet's brand perfectly, while paying tribute to Madonna's timeless influence to pop culture. The first thing you saw upon entering, taking center stage, was a big print of the icon's August 1998 Scarlet cover, next to her August 2018 cover, the latter celebrating both the 20th anniversary of the historic issue and its subject's 60th birthday. _Kat had really outdone herself,_ she thought.

The party hadn't technically started yet, so it was mostly Scarlet staff that was in the venue, running around and taking care of last minute details. Jane kept looking around, just in case _she_ was there, but she knew it was way too early for Jacqueline to make an appearance. She'd make her entrance once the party was in full swing, as she tended to do.

It didn't take long for the girl to locate Kat, who appeared to be having an animated conversation with the DJ she'd hired, and upon seeing Jane, made her way to her. Before Jane could compliment her friend on the party, she started talking.

"Ok, so I decided to go with that guy over there instead of DJ Khaled, right?", Kat said with a smile on her face that was more of a grimace, pointing to the man, who was setting up his equipment, over her shoulder. "Worst. Decision. Ever. If I manage not to kill him before this night is over he'll be a very lucky man."

"What's wrong?"

"He said he wants to play Cyndi Lauper, Tiny Jane. CYNDI LAUPER. He was given a list of vetted songs and artists but he's threatening to go off script to follow his 'artistic vision'. He will follow it all the way to the hospital if he does that."

"Ok, sweetie, you're scaring me. Cyndi is a major 80's icon. We're not playing exclusively Madonna songs, are we?"

"Of course not, nor 80's songs, for that matter. But there can be no Cyndi Lauper -- _and definitely no Elton John!_ " Kat said, turning around and yelling out the last bit, before making her way to the DJ again, leaving an amused and slightly worried (mostly amused though) Jane behind.

As Sutton approached Jane with Adena in tow, she asked, "What was that all about?"

"Officially? Infamous pop star feuds. In reality? Nerves, if you ask me," Jane offered, shrugging. "I hope that man survives the night," she added almost as an afterthought, as a confused Adena excused herself and went to talk to her girlfriend.

As guests started to arrive, Jane and Sutton made their way to the bar to get a drink while waiting for the party to really kick off. Jane needed some liquid courage to settle her nerves. She didn't know why she was so nervous at first, as anyone would tell you that one's chances of interacting with the editor-in-chief, who would no doubt have her time monopolized by some really important people that evening, were small. But as she thought about it, Jane realized she had shared some pretty intense moments with her boss at several of these events. It was at Scarlet's 60th anniversary party the year before that Jacqueline had made a speech referring to Jane (even if she didn't mention her by name), making her heart flutter. It was at a different party that Jane told Jacqueline she was leaving Scarlet. And it was at yet another party that Jane ran into Jacqueline, who asked her how she was doing at _Incite_. Even now she could feel the lump in her throat thinking back on how much she was missing both Jacqueline and Scarlet during that particular run-in with her (then former) boss.

"What's eating at you?" asked Sutton, whose eyes scanned the room at regular intervals, no doubt looking for a certain someone as well.

"Oh, the usual. I'll spare you the details, as it's nothing you haven't heard before."

"Look, Jane-- I hope you know I wasn't trying to be dismissive of your feelings that night when I teased you about Jacqueline. I know better than anyone what you're going through right now."

Jane turned around to fully face her friend, who continued.

"I just saw how happy you were talking to her. I'd never seen you like that around anyone before," said Sutton, with a sad smile on her face, making Jane lower her eyes to the floor. "And it made me realize--life is too short. And if you're lucky enough to have that kind of connection with someone, you shouldn't fight it."

"I know I'm stating the obvious here, but it sounds like you should take your own advice," Jane said to her friend, not unkindly.

"Yeah, maybe," said Sutton, scrunching up her nose, making a face. "But he has someone--"

"Welcome to the club!", said Jane, raising her glass. "We meet up... every day of the week, either at a gym or at a bar, depending on how healthy we feel like being that day."

Sutton laughed at that, and they toasted to their shared misery.

***

_Let your body groove to the music_

_Vogue_

***

Jane had vowed not to get totally trashed at this party - if being drunk around Jacqueline when the woman was alone was bad, being drunk around her and two hundred or so of hers and the magazine's closest friends (and _fiends_ ) spelled out disaster. Switching to sparkling water after a couple of drinks, she was chatting with Sutton and Alex when they all heard a commotion near the entrance. Soon enough, they could see Jacqueline and Madonna, who made their way to the party's red carpet to take pictures together.

While to almost everyone else in the room Madonna was, understandably, the centre of attention, Jane only had eyes for Jacqueline Carlyle. Like most people in attendance, who had elected to pay homage to the guest of honor of the evening by wearing 80's inspired fashion, she was wearing a metallic one shoulder gown, which a drooling Sutton would later tell her was a Givenchy vintage number ( _"Don't worry, Tiny Jane, it's just the fashion porn, you know what it does to me."_ ).

When Jacqueline turned around, Jane could see her dress was backless, exposing the elegant lines of her back and almost making her choke on her drink. _Have mercy..._

"Hi, Jane", said Andrew, approaching the girl apparently out of nowhere, giving her yet another scare. "Material Madonna, huh?", he said, looking her up and down and scrutinising her all black outfit, composed of a two-tier flared lace skirt and fitted bodice. "That's original".

"I wasn't going for original, Andrew, that happens to be my favorite Madonna era".

"Yours and pretty much everyone else's who's here, apparently," he said with an eye roll.

"Well, you look like... you came out straight of _Vogue_."

 _"Strike a pose!,"_ he said, doing just that, and this time Jane did choke on her drink, as she coughed and laughed at the same time.

***

 _I've always been in love with you_  
_(Always with you)_  
_I guess you've always known it's true..._

***

Drink in hand, Jane scanned the crowd once again. Just like last time, it didn't take long for her to find Jacqueline, as everyone else there apparently had the same goal as her, giving away her location pretty fast - but this time, she actually wished they hadn't. Because the next thing she saw was a man approaching Jacqueline, handing her a flute of champagne, and placing his hand on her lower back, softly caressing it. It was like a trainwreck, Jane couldn't tear her eyes away from it.

Realizing what had her friend so mesmerised, Sutton made her way to her and gently turned her around, taking her by both hands and dragging her to the dance floor with Kat and Adena. She danced with them for a while, but despite her friends' best efforts to cheer her up, Jane was sulking. As soon as she was able to be inconspicuous about it, after stealing a bottle of champagne that was sitting on a tray on the bar from a distracted waiter ( _screw her sobriety plans_ ), she left the main ballroom looking for a secluded place to hide out for the time being. She wasn't in the mood to party but didn't want to be a wet blanket to her friends, who were having a blast on the dance floor. But not even an exasperated Andrew trying to teach a clearly tipsy Sutton how to vogue properly improved her mood. She went down a corridor to the left, where she saw a door which was slightly ajar, and opened into a smaller room, filled with tables and chairs stacked one on top of the other - clearly being used for storage. It was lit only by a lamp sitting on a side table next to a couch, and most of the light was courtesy of the moon, filtering in from an open window.

Making her way to the couch, Jane flopped down ungracefully, squeezing her eyes shut trying to erase the unpleasant image she'd seen earlier from her brain. She kicked herself for being so stupid. What did she expect, exactly? While she hadn't counted on seeing the man, as it wasn't a given that Jacqueline's husband would make an appearance at Scarlet functions, on occasion he would, no doubt to support his wife. Jane was surprised he wasn't around more. She couldn't comprehend how someone who was married to Jacqueline Carlyle wouldn't spend every possible moment with her.

Knowing she was being unreasonable and irrational for judging the man when she didn't know much about their life together at all, or about his work and other commitments, Jane knew she had to lose that train of thought fast, as it would lead her nowhere good. Remembering how nice and welcoming he had been to Jane in their home made her feel guilty. _If he knew how she felt about his wife..._

Drinking from the bottle and staring at the ceiling, Jane wondered if she could get away with spending the rest of the evening in this room. She quite enjoyed how peaceful it was, as she didn't feel like being around people right then, but she could still hear the music from the party. Despite Kat's complaints about the DJ, his playlist had some real gems. _And Madonna sure had some great bops_. Jane kept herself entertained by trying to name the album for each of her songs that played, and after doing it for a while she had become so distracted she didn't see or hear movement until whoever was there decided to make their presence known.

"I see someone else had the same idea as me," she said, stepping further into the room.

Turning around to face the door, a startled Jane said, "Jacqueline!"

"I was hoping to hide out here for a bit," she offered as an explanation, her body language tentative. "I saw Anna out there and she can be a little..."

"Scary?"

"I was going to say 'chatty', but sure," Jacqueline replied with a smirk.

"Well, mi sofa es su sofa," Jane said, patting the empty space next to her on the couch, a little anxious but mostly excited about getting Jacqueline all to herself for a bit. She hadn't spent any time alone with the woman since that night at the bar. The last one. There had been more than one...

"So I can trust you to keep my secret?", Jacqueline asked her in a conspiratory manner, gracefully sitting down on the couch next to Jane, crossing her legs and propping her head up against her arm on the backrest.

"Of course. Your secret's safe with me," Jane replied, a stupid smile making its way to her face despite herself. 

"So we've already established why I'm here. Why are _you_ hiding?" Jacqueline asked, not so subtly eyeing the champagne bottle on the floor, narrowing her eyes. Even if Jane had intended to lie she would never have been able to, not when the woman gave her _that_ look.

"Oh, I was just feeling a little overwhelmed and wanted some peace and quiet." _There. That wasn't too bad._ Not a lie, even if it wasn't the whole truth.

"Would you like to be alone?"

"No!," Jane was quick ( _too quick..._ ) to say, adding, "I wanted to be away from all the noise out there. I don't mind you being here." Really don't mind. _So don't mind._

"Okay," Jacqueline said with an amused smile. When she smiled at her like that it made Jane feel like she was reading her like an open book. It was both scary and exhilarating.

"The party seems to be a hit."

"It does. It is. Kat has done a great job. Madonna was very happy with it."

"She already leave?"

"Yes. Madonna is a good friend, but just like Miranda, she never stays long at any sort of public function, even the ones in her honor."

"I've heard that - why is that?"

" _'Always leave them wanting more'_ ," Jacqueline said. "Well, Miranda, in particular, also has a very low tolerance for schmoozing of any kind. She shows up, shows her support. And she leaves."

Shuddering at the thought of the Dragon Lady, Jane said, "It's so hard to imagine the two of you being friends."

"Miranda is a dear friend of mine. Don't let gossip and appearances deceive you, Jane. This business can be pretty cutthroat, but there's always room for women to support other women."

Properly chastised, Jane nodded in acknowledgment. When _Ray of Light_ ended and _Time After Time_ started playing, she sat up on the couch, alarmed.

"What's wrong?"

"You said Madonna left, right?"

"Yes, a while ago."

"I hope Kat knows that."

***

 _All the people in the crowd,_  
_Grab a partner, take it down..._

***

As _Me Against the Music_ came on, Jane let out a chuckle, prompting Jacqueline to tilt her head in a silent question.

"It's just that... this song, it takes me back," Jane said.

"Interesting memories?"

"You could say that. Spring Break memories," Jane said, a mischievous look on her face.

"Hmmmmm," Jacqueline said, nodding in acknowledgment, Jane's comment clearly trigging a memory of her own.

 _"Interesting memories?"_ , Jane parroted back to her, actually dying to know the answer.

 _"You could say that,"_ a smirking Jacqueline said in reply, raising one eyebrow. "Let me just say my generation was fortunate for not having to worry about camera phones."

Letting out a laugh, Jane said, "I bet you were terrible."

"I wouldn't say... _terrible_ , but I'm not sure my parents would disagree with your assessment."

"What's the worst thing you did as a teenager?" Jane asked, eager to learn whatever she could about the woman.

"Now that's a loaded question," Jacqueline replied, thinking about it for a moment. "I did the classic teenage rebellion things. Broke curfew, said I'd sleep at my friend so and so's house so we could study for a test and then sneak off to some party to meet up with... someone I was interested in."

"Check and check," said Jane.

"But I was too big of a nerd to get into any serious trouble. I always liked school and strived to do well. I just liked to have fun as well."

"Hmmmmm," Jane mumbled in acknowledgment, smiling. "I wish we could have met back then. I think we would've been friends."

"I'm sure we would have."

***  
_You are who you are_  
_And I wouldn't want to change anything_  
_In spite of all the pain that love can bring_  
_Tell me what can I do? I'm so in love with you._

***

"I saw your husband out there earlier," said Jane. She hated bringing him up, but was curious as to why Jacqueline was _in here_ when he was _out there_.

"Hmm, yes," said Jacqueline, looking slightly embarrassed and shifting in her seat. "I actually saw Anna approaching Ian at the bar when he was getting me another drink, that's when I made my escape."

"Oh my God, you threw him to the wolves!" said Jane, who widened her eyes in response, and started laughing.

"Wolf," corrected Jacqueline, making Jane laugh even harder. "Hey, listen now," her hand moving to lightly shake Jane's arm, "He's used to these things, he knows it comes with the territory--" said Jacqueline, who was barely containing her own laughter at Jane's reaction.

"Jacqueline, come on!" said Jane, still laughing, picturing the woman ditching her husband to hide out in a room. _With her_. Jane felt giddy.

"I just... I just couldn't listen to Anna running Met Gala themes by me again. So he took one for the team."

The first thing Jane noticed after her laughter died down was how their conversation had moved them closer together on the couch, their upper bodies angled towards one another. Her stomach fluttered.

***

 _There's no greater power_  
_Than the power of goodbye.._

***

"You're awfully quiet," Jacqueline said. "Penny for your thoughts?"

"I'm just... trying to work out some stuff in my head," Jane said, looking down, playing with the hemline of her skirt.

"Does it have to do with what we talked about the other day, about your BRCA gene mutation?"

"No, I've done my research but I've actually decided to put that in the back burner for now, until I'm in the right headspace to deal with it."

Jacqueline just nodded at that, her gaze attentive, but didn't say anything further. Jane decided to answer her unspoken question anyway.

"I was actually just thinking about last year's Scarlet's party--what you said in your speech."

"Oh. What part?" Jacqueline asked, shifting in her seat, clearly curious.

"The advice you gave us. It turns out I've crossed quite a few items off of that list this past year."

"Well, good," Jacqueline said, smiling. "Yes, I'd say you've taken a few leaps and made a splash or two since then."

"The take a leap part didn't work out so well for me last time, though," Jane said, with a pointed look.

"But you still took a chance, which was my advice in that speech--the end result is not always what we expect it to be but that doesn't mean it still wasn't the right decision to make."

Thinking about what Jacqueline said, Jane nodded once and said, "I feel like I learned a lot from it."

"I agree."

"But I wasn't ready for that step, so in that sense it was a mistake. But I like to think I made amends for it?"

"Amends to whom?" Jacqueline asked, confused. At Jane's embarrassed expression, she sat up and added. "Jane, I hope you know I didn't take your decision to leave as a personal slight against me. You had to go and see what was out there. I understand that."

"But I did take you for granted. Thinking that I could so easily get the kind of nurturing and support I get from you elsewhere--that's not the kind of world we live in. I was... naive, at best."

"You're also twenty-five years old and should cut yourself some slack. Take what you learned from the experience but don't dwell on it."

"And in the end you did take me back," Jane said, a grateful look in her eyes.

"I did. Because you showed growth," Jacqueline said, in that intense way of hers. "You showed me you didn't need Scarlet--"

"See, that's where you're wrong," Jane said. Taking a deep breath and looking down at her lap, she, once again, decided to be honest. "Those months I was away, you have no idea how lost I was. I was... getting on with my life, sure, and by the time I got that nomination I was in a better place. But Jacqueline, I was still adrift. You have no idea how much I missed Scarlet."

Finally lifting her gaze and looking straight into Jacqueline's eyes, she added. "How much I missed _you_."

With a look of contemplation on her face, Jacqueline said with a smile, "And you know I missed you."

 Adverting her gaze once again, Jane just shook her head, chuckling - out of nerves, embarrassment, she didn't know - confusing Jacqueline, who frowned and softly asked, "What?"

"The thing about taking risks is that if I were to take one now, and tell you what's weighing on my mind, I could very well end up in that same dark place I was before. I don't think I could handle that again," Jane said, once again making eye contact, knowing she had a scared look in her eyes and powerless to change it. "But this is also eating at me. At some point I'm gonna have to do it. And just hope it doesn't make everything come crashing down around me. Again."

Jacqueline, who was looking at Jane with a worried look on her face, nodded, covering the girl's hand hand with her own. "When you're ready to talk, I'm here."

Jane looked down at Jacqueline's hand touching hers. Instead of reacting the way she normally did, and wait without moving for the woman to pull away, she turned her hand so her palm was facing up. Admiring Jacqueline's long, elegant fingers and flawless manicure and marvelling at how soft her skin was, she got lost in the moment, caressing those fingers with her own. When Jane's own fingers made their way down, barely touching Jacqueline's wrist, her thoughts turned to how much she wanted trace its fine veins, caress it with her thumb and bring it to her mouth so she could _smell and taste her_. At that Jane finally awoke from her trance, suddenly realizing she wasn't alone with her thoughts, and that a very real, flesh-and-blood Jacqueline Carlyle was right there with her. Letting go of her right hand as though it had burned her, she finally dared to look up and into Jacqueline's eyes.

Whatever was going in Jacqueline's head right now was a mystery to Jane, at least from a purely logical stand point. Her own personal insecurities, combined with the practical realities and complexities of their relationship, made Jane question each and every thought she had about what Jacqueline thought of and how she felt about her. But while her mind couldn't tell you with certainty what that look in the woman's eyes meant (only what she hoped it did), her body wasted no time reacting. Her heart started beating faster (so loud she could hear it, and she feared Jacqueline would be able to hear it too) and her breathing became shallow. She couldn't advert her gaze even if she wanted to. Swallowing hard, she kept looking, wishing more than anything for the courage to do what she so desperately wanted to do right now. The muscles of her legs were twitching with the need to _move and go to her_ , and Jane thought her body might actually decide this internal battle for her after all-- when she heard voices approaching the room. Startled, Jane turned around to see if anyone would come in, but whoever was outside walked right past their room.

When she turned back around to face Jacqueline, the woman had her impenetrable mask firmly back in place. It was almost as though the last few minutes hadn't happened at all, and it was enough to give her whiplash. Smiling at Jane, she said, in that upbeat tone of voice of hers, "I just looked at the time. I better get back out there -- the natives must be restless."

Getting up from the couch and moving to stand in front of Jane, who was still on the couch, looking up at her, Jacqueline's smile faded for all of 0.5 seconds, a flash of something... _dangerous_ in her eyes, and then she was making her way out the door. Jane waited until she was out of earshot to lay back against the couch and let out a loud, frustrated groan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	11. The Power of Madonna: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party continues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Jane and Jacqueline's conversation at the party.

_I'm crazy for you_  
_Touch me once and you'll know it's true_  
_I never wanted anyone like this_  
_It's all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss_  
_I'm crazy for you, crazy for you_

When Jane finally felt like she was ready to leave the bubble she had lived in for the last... however long (she had no idea how long it had been -- it could've been 30 minutes or 3 hours, for all she knew), she got up from the couch and slowly made her way out the door, following the sounds of music and chatter to the main room. Judging by the more relaxed atmosphere that greeted her, she knew this party had just entered its final stage.

Making her way to the area where she had last seen her friends, Jane spotted several men with their ties loosened and sleeves rolled up, and women who were sitting down massaging their feet, having removed the fashionable instruments of torture they also called shoes, no longer bothering to mask their discomfort. She also knew that by now most of the big names in attendance had already left, allowing the guests to let loose -- but her thoughts were all over the place so she couldn't relax and enjoy what was happening around her.

"There you are, I've been calling you for like an hour!" said a worried Kat, approaching her friend with Adena in tow. "We've looked for you everywhere. I think Sutton is outside--" she added, texting the blonde to let her know she'd found Jane.

Jane, in turn, was trying hard to remember what happened to her phone. Did she bring it with her? Surely she did. So where was it?

"I don't know where my... phone is," she offered as an explanation, her voice low and cracking slightly from lack of use. She must have stayed in that room longer than she thought after--

"Maybe you left it in your coat pocket? I didn't see you with a clutch," suggested Adena, knowing something wasn't quite right despite not knowing the girl nearly as well as her girlfriend did.

"Yeah, that must be it," said Jane, distractedly, unable to focus long enough to remember.

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine," she responded mechanically, still processing the wide range of emotions she'd experienced over the course of the last few hours. And then she remembered the last emotion that had experienced that evening.

_Frustration._

_She'd been so close to--_

At that moment Jane's eyes found Alex and Sage who were chatting a few feet away, drinks in hand. Making a beeline for them, she grabbed Alex's glass from his hand.

"Hey, that's not--" he said, helplessly watching Jane as she drained what was left of his drink in one big gulp, "--water."

She'd just handed a dumbfounded Alex his empty glass back when Sutton made her way over.

"Where there's alcohol there's Kat and Sutton to the rescue - that was the deal, remember?" said Sutton straight away, as Jane shot Alex what she hoped was an apologetic look and the two girls made their way to bar, leaning against it. "Kat may be busy tonight, but I'm on duty, missy."

"Oh, I remember," said Jane, sighing. "You don't have to worry though. I don't plan on doing anything stupid."

Scanning the room once again, Jane couldn't see Jacqueline or her husband anywhere. She knew they'd probably already left.

"Good, makes my job easier!" Sutton said in response, ordering drinks for the two of them. Then, "You know, this feels a lot like deja-vu."

"That's because this is exactly how our evening started," said Jane in a dry tone. "You and me at this bar having drinks."

"Care to fill me in on what's happened since then? Last time I saw you we were all dancing-- then I turned around to talk to you and you were gone."

Shrugging, Jane said, "I wasn't in the mood to dance, so I went to look for a quiet place to hang out for a while."

"What place was that exactly? Narnia? We couldn't find you anywhere!"

That got a chuckle out of Jane. "Close enough. I found this room used for storage that had a couch and just crashed there."

"Wow, sounds... boring."

The smile that showed up (quite involuntarily) on Jane's face right then must have spoken a thousand words because next thing she heard was--

"Okay, let me rephrase that--sounds... _intriguing_. A room that makes a person light up like a Christmas tree must be quite the room."

Looking down Jane said, "Well, it was a... very charming room."

"Really? What made the room so charming?"

Tired of speaking in code, Jane looked at her friend and clarified, " _She_ was there. Well. I was there first, she joined me. It turns out she also wanted to hide."

"And? what happened?"

"Nothing," said Jane, shrugging. "Everything," she added, with a humorless chuckle.

Even knowing she wasn't making a lick of sense, she continued. "He was out here. She was there with me. And it was perfect, just like it always is when it's just the two of us."

At this point, Jane could feel the tears stinging her eyes, and it pissed her off. Sutton just gave her another one of her sad smiles - the kind that made Jane feel like crap because it told her everything she needed to know about how hopeless this whole thing was.

"She listened to me blabbering, again -- because for some reason I always feel like telling her everything that's bothering me whenever we get together." Pausing for a moment to reflect, she added, "But it was also different. She told me things. About her life, about her past--"

"You were connecting."

Just then Kat and Adena approached the two of them.

"It was different," she said again. "It was different but it doesn't change anything."

"How does she feel?" added Adena, out of the blue, making the three friends look at her.

Surprised, Jane turned to her. "I--I don't know."

"Yes, you do."

Surprised once again by that cut-and-dry statement, just as she started shaking her head, Adena added, "Don't try to be rational about this. There's nothing rational about this."

Looking down and then closing her eyes, exhaling hard through her nose, Jane remembered the way Jacqueline looked at her tonight. The way she had looked at Jane on a different night at a bar when their eyes had met across the room. The way she had looked at Jane when she told her about her health situation. She recalled Jacqueline teasing her about not getting any confessions from a sober Jane. Jacqueline telling her she also missed being able to look at Jane from her desk.

_"I... have missed you."_

A look of shock on her features, Jane looked up and stared at Adena in silence.

"You know, one of my favorite movies is _Rear Window._ "

"I've seen it," Jane mumbled after a few moments, still reeling.

"Then maybe you remember my favorite line from it, said by Thelma Ritter's character. _'Nothing has caused the human race so much trouble as intelligence.'_ "

***

Jane knew Adena was right. She did know how Jacqueline felt. Maybe she had known all along, or at least a part of her did. She'd always felt... special.

_"Without you here, Jacqueline has been focusing all her energy on me."_

All this time she had been hiding behind their difficult situation because it was easier to pretend this whole thing was a one-sided infatuation, a severe case of hero worship--anything, really--on Jane's part, than what it really was.

She didn't tell her friends everything. Not because she wanted to keep it a secret from them-- although the thought of keeping that moment between her and Jacqueline was definitely appealing, like maybe the secrecy would allow the two of them to continue living in their bubble without the outside world intruding on them. But the reason the girl wasn't completely honest was that she couldn't quite explain to them what happened.

Merely saying she touched Jacqueline's hand - who had touched Jane's own hand in a familiar gesture of comfort and support - didn't do that moment justice.

Neither did explaining to her friends that they'd started sitting on opposite ends of a couch and ended up so close to each other the smallest movement from either one would make their knees touch.

 _And that look._ It would be forever burned into Jane's retinas. When she looked up, and she saw Jacqueline's normally sparkly blue eyes so dark-- almost as dark as her smoky eyeshadow--, her heavy lids and slightly parted lips... it did something to her.

It also made Jane realize she had seen that look before--or a variation of it, anyway. At the time she didn't think twice of it, but hindsight being 20/20, it provided her with some much-needed clarity.

Jane had been in Jacqueline's office, saying something to her boss about wanting to give her whatever Scarlet needed. When Jacqueline dropped her pen and bent down to pick it up, as she straightened back up, her gaze had rested on Jane's shorts-clad legs before finally making its way up at her face. Perhaps her eyes hadn't been quite as dark as this last time, and the moment had been nowhere near as intimate, but the heavy-lidded look had been the same. At the time the thought of Jacqueline Carlyle checking her out was laughable to her (even if someone accusing her of doing the same to Jacqueline herself would be right on the money).

_But now..._

Jane looked up from her glass and watched her friends dancing. She was more than ready for this night to be over. So when Sutton caught her eye she gave the blonde a signal and went to the coach check to get her coat. When she put it on, there it was, inside her right pocket, her phone.

Checking her blocked screen, she saw what appeared to be over a dozen calls from Kat, Sutton, and Adena, not to mention a bunch of individual and group text messages.

Jane continued to scroll down her notifications when her heart stopped.

It was a single missed call.

From Jacqueline.

And she'd left a voicemail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I do enjoy torturing Jane, as you know. But our girl has turned a corner. Go, Jane!


	12. The Heart Wants What It Wants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A missed call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY! I know I was mean, and I feel bad for leaving you guys hanging. As a token of appreciation for all the awesome feedback you guys have been giving me, I've written another (short) chapter (while I was supposed to be working). I hope it makes up for the cliffhanger, even if it's short. 
> 
> And now back to my research I go...

"It's not a bomb."

"Hmmm?" Jane replied, peering over her teacup to look at Sutton.

"Your phone. You keep looking at it like it's about to explode."

Sighing and closing her eyes, resting her face on her hands, elbows on the kitchen table, Jane mumbled, "Jacqueline called me."

"What? When?"

"Tonight. Sometime between the time you guys blew up my phone trying to find me and when I went to get my coat to leave. I think we were at the bar."

"What did she want? Did she leave a message??"

"Blank voicemail," Jane said in a tone that was equal parts disappointment and relief.

"How rude!" exclaimed Sutton.

Jane just continued as if the blonde hadn't interjected. "And anyway, it's too late for me to call. And tomorrow--or today, that is--, is Saturday, which means I'm gonna have to wait until Monday--"

"Text her!" Sutton said encouragingly. "Come on, if she called you late at night it's only fair game."

"I don't think I should. Anyway, it's only--HEY!" Jane said, jumping up from her chair and chasing after Sutton, who'd grabbed Jane's phone from the table.

"Dammit, I don't know your passcode. Gimme your thumb," said the blonde, turning around and trying to grab Jane's hand, while also keeping the phone out of reach.

"No, stop! Are you insane??" said Jane, trying to get her phone back from Sutton and keeping her from grabbing her hand at the same time.

"I'll stop just as soon as you promise to text her."

"Fine, just... give it back," said an annoyed Jane.

"Pinky promise?", asked Sutton, raising her hand and sticking out her little finger.

"Seriously, what are you? Five?"

When Sutton said nothing in reply, Jane just looked at her for a few moments before finally extending her hand and crossing her little finger with hers.

As soon as Sutton gave her her phone back, a smile of triumph on her face, Jane just rolled her eyes at her friend. "I forgot how annoying you get when you've been drinking."

Before she could overthink about what she was doing, Jane fired off a quick text to Jacqueline.

_Sorry I missed your call._

"There," said Jane. "All done. It's 2 in the morning, and there's no way she's replying now."

"Ball is back in her court now though," Sutton said, shrugging her shoulders and yawning. Yawning in response, Jane mumbled goodnight and went to her bedroom.

***

A few minutes later, Jane was lying in bed. She was both physically and emotionally exhausted, but couldn't fall asleep.

  
When her phone pinged to alert her of a new text her heart jumped in her chest. Grabbing it from her nightstand, she saw the message on her screen.

It was from Jacqueline.

_Are you awake?_

_Yes._

_Can I call you?_

If before Jane's heart was pounding in her chest, now it was in her throat. Taking a deep breath, she once again replied.

_Yes._

A few moments later, her phone was ringing.

"Hi," said Jacqueline in a tentative voice, as if she wanted to make sure she wasn't disturbing anyone.

"Hey," said Jane just as softly, moving to lay on her side with Jacqueline's voice in her free ear.

"I'm sorry for calling so late. I thought about doing it tomorrow at a more reasonable hour, but when I saw your text--"

Jane could kiss Sutton right then and there. Saying a silent thanks to her friends who were always there to save Jane from herself, she replied, "It's not a problem. I couldn't sleep."

"That actually has to do with why I'm calling. I couldn't stop thinking about our conversation tonight."

"Oh," said Jane, who legit thought she was about to throw up.

"What you said about your world crashing down," Jacqueline said. Pausing to take a breath, she articulated, "You seemed so scared. I was worried. I _am_ worried."

Jane didn't know what to say to that.

"I don't want to push you, to-- say anything you're not... willing or--"

"It's not that," Jane quickly said. "It's not that I'm not willing..."

"Okay."

"I'm just not ready."

"I meant what I said. I'm here for you if you need me."

"I know. It means a lot." _More than you know_ , she wanted to say.

"Just promise me you're not in any trouble or danger--"

"Well, define 'trouble.'"

Jacqueline chuckled in response, probably more at Jane's lighthearted tone than at her poor attempt at humor, and it made her smile.

"In all seriousness though, I'm not in any real trouble or danger or anything like that. But I appreciate that you care." 

"I do care," Jacqueline said.

And then, "Probably more than I should."

Jane's breath caught. 

"I know the feeling." Jane could feel her blood rushing through her veins, warmer after those five little words from Jacqueline than if she'd downed five shots of tequila.

Both stayed in silence for a while. A few moments later, Jane said, "Jacqueline, just promise me one thing."

She could hear her take a deep breath on the other end.

"Don't push me away," Jane said in a small voice. "I'm not... asking for anything other than-- just... don't push me away."

More silence.

"I don't think I could even if I wanted to."


	13. Long time coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An old friend and some new realizations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I'm alive! I'm so sorry it's taken so long for me to post an update. Life has been kicking my ass lately, as life does. 
> 
> This chapter is told from Jacqueline's POV. I felt it was time to catch up with her. I also wanted to introduce Adele, Jacqueline's old mentor (mentioned by her in 2x03 - The Scarlet Letter). In my head, she's Emma Thompson (in case you guys need a visual).
> 
> Also, I've created a playlist on Spotify. It's a mixed bag of songs that remind me of J/J in general, songs from the show (just a couple), and songs that make sense in the context of this story, if not exactly canon compliant. I'm still adding to it. Check it out if you're interested -- https://open.spotify.com/user/w89ohdcoytt45nohudlwhcx39/playlist/7mqpBHffN4uVKzvIa4TfP8?si=nnoS9zHbR5Sj8d0lX1vmYg

"So sorry I'm late, luv," she heard a familiar voice and distinct accent announce apologetically, before seeing, out of the corner of her eye, a large bag being unceremoniously thrown on a vacant chair at their table. Jacqueline had barely looked up from her phone when she found herself wrapped in a one-armed hug, a kiss being planted on her right cheek, as a dark green blur moved in and out of her line of vision. She only managed to get a good look at the woman when she finally took the seat across from her in a huff. "I'd forgotten how mad traffic in this city can be," the woman added, removing her oversized sunglasses and adjusting her platinum-blonde bangs with a quick motion of her fingers.

"It hasn't been that long-- you mean to tell me you've already forgotten?", asked Jacqueline with a smile - one that always showed up on her face whenever her former boss and mentor was in her general vicinity. Adele was a breath of fresh air, her warmth and larger-than-life personality making Jacqueline instantly feel better, no matter the circumstances.

"Need I remind you I'm now a retired old woman, residing in the English countryside-- my life resembles a Jane Austen novel these days," she replied, immediately buttering a piece of bread and waving away a helpful waiter who'd approached their table. "It involves a lot of gardening and card games-- thank God for booze," she added, making Jacqueline chuckle. She had a hard time picturing her former boss settling down and leading a tranquil existence, having watched her thrive navigating the hustle and bustle of New York City for so many years... but life was full of surprises. "A lot has changed. Case in point, I no longer give a rat's behind that this delicious buttery bread is going straight to my thighs--"

Rolling her eyes at her friend, Jacqueline interrupted, "If memory serves, you never really did."

Sighing, then frowning, she responded, "I suppose that's true. I've never actually _suffered_ for fashion," she said, widening her eyes. "There's simply been no need."

"One of the first things you taught me was that being the editor-in-chief of a prestigious fashion magazine and friends with all the hot designers meant having any piece of clothing altered to perfectly fit you, instead of altering yourself to fit the clothing, like the rest of the mortals..."

"Altered by the designers themselves, darling, who conveniently know your size and measurements, and will gladly make you look like a dream in any of their creations in exchange for a few glossy pages and/or the cover of the September issue. But I don't have to tell you how it all works..." she reminded her former protégée with a smirk.

Nodding, Jacqueline sighed and smiled, a tinge of sadness marring her features. "It's been too long."

"That it has," Adele agreed, with a sad sigh of her own. Looking Jacqueline up and down, she added, "You look as infuriatingly beautiful as ever. I'm sure those sample sizes still fit you like a glove. If I didn't love you, I'd hate you for it."

Jacqueline smiled once more in response, returning the sentiment before taking on a pensive look.

"Now... should I wait for our entree to before I start grilling you or should I do it now?", Adele said, picking up the menu on the table and silently perusing it.

"I'm sorry?" asked Jacqueline, straightening in her chair, having been caught off guard. Quickly recovering, she explained in what she hoped was a casual tone, "Can't I invite an old friend for lunch after she lets me know she's in town?"

"I see. Alright, I'll play along. How are the boys?", asked Adele, in an equally breezy voice.

"The boys are great," answered Jacqueline, her face relaxing at the mention of her sons, even if she knew Adele had smelled blood in the water and was circling her like a shark, waiting for the right moment to attack--

"And how's Ian doing?"

But even though she knew that question was coming, she didn't think it would be this soon - Adele always asked for more information about what was going on in her sons' lives, even if she didn't seem particularly interested in the details. Jacqueline couldn't help the slight catch in her breath at the mention of her husband. Anyone else would have missed her reaction completely, but they weren't Adele Ritter.

Knowing full well she'd stumbled upon something, instead of pushing, the older woman just cocked her head to the side and held her gaze. Jacqueline knew that technique well, having learned it from the very woman sitting across from her, and used it many times herself, especially on Jane--

_Jane._

Closing her eyes, Jacqueline pinched the bridge of her nose in an attempt to ward off thoughts of the girl, as well as the beginnings of a killer headache. After a brief moment, she opened her eyes and looked her mentor in the eye, before replying honestly. "Ian is fine. He got back from an assignment in Africa a few days ago."

Adele nodded.

"He's fine," she said again, almost flinching when she realized she'd repeated herself, giving away her discomfort. She just hoped Adele hadn't noticed. "And we... are just as we've always been--"

"Just fine," interrupted Adele.

_No such luck._

"Yes," said Jacqueline, nodding in assent, biting her lip.

"But what I'm getting here-- and please correct me if I'm wrong-- is that 'fine' is no longer... _'fine'_?" she added carefully, tilting her head.

A long stretch of silence followed - one filled with patient support on Adele's part and increasing tension on Jacqueline's. She had no reason to be nervous around her friend, but she knew the second she said things out loud they'd be out there in the universe, and she wouldn't be able to go on pretending that everything was... well... _fine_.

_Jacqueline was starting to hate that word._

"I guess not." And then, "The problem is, I don't even know _why_ that is," said Jacqueline, frustration seeping through her words.

"What's changed?"

"That's just it-- nothing has changed. Ian is just as supportive, attentive and caring as he's always been."

"And you?"

"Hmmm?"

"If Ian hasn't changed, does that mean you've changed?"

"I... don't know," said Jacqueline, with a humorless chuckle. "Maybe I'm having a midlife crisis."

"Is there... someone else?" asked Adele, not one to beat around the bush.

"No," Jacqueline replied instinctively and immediately. "I haven't-- _I wouldn't..._ "

Adele just kept looking at her with that infuriatingly knowing look, that made Jacqueline want to confess all--

_"You just have to look me a certain way, and I spill the beans on anything, no alcohol required."_

"Yes," answered Jacqueline. "Oh, God." Dropping her head in her hands, elbows on the table, she heard Adele ordering whiskey sours for both of them. Only after their drinks arrived and Adele nudged her arm, did Jacqueline look up, almost draining the contents of her glass in a single gulp.

Adele took her lead. "Ooof, okay!", she said, slapping her hands down on the table. "I'm definitely too old for this," she said, making Jacqueline chuckle, and then start laughing in earnest, her nerves officially taking over.

Waiting patiently for her laughter to die down, Adele looked at her distressed friend. At that moment she saw the wide-eyed twenty-something year old in the coffee shop, writing furiously on her notebook. So much time had passed since that day, and over the years she'd watched a girl with potential blossom into an incredible woman who'd more than lived up to it, but if one thing hadn't changed was Adele's fondness for Jacqueline and the instinct to protect her at all costs.

"I haven't... _cheated_ on Ian," clarified Jacqueline, her face blanching at the mere use of that word. "But-- but it's more complicated than that."

"More complicated how?" asked Adele gently.

Sighing, "Well, she...", began Jacqueline, before trailing off.

Adele's eyebrows nearly reached her hairline, and without taking her eyes off of Jacqueline, she raised her glass above her head, silently motioning for the waiter to bring them another round.

"Yes. She..." affirmed Jacqueline, in a quiet tone. "She works for me."

Adele closed her eyes at that. "I see. Jackie..." The _'this is a bad idea'_ part of that statement wasn't uttered, but perfectly understood nonetheless.

"I know. I know...", Jacqueline said, massaging her temples.

"In what capacity? What does she--"

"She's a writer at Scarlet."

Slowly inhaling and exhaling, Adele took a moment before asking, "How long has this been going on?"

"Nothing has--"

"Just because you haven't jumped into bed with someone that doesn't mean nothing has happened," interrupted Adele, causing Jacqueline to tense up, the simple honesty of those words cutting her like a knife.

"I know. It's not just that though. She hasn't actually come out and said that she..." Taking a deep breath, Jacqueline said, "Sometimes I manage to convince myself it's all in my head."

"And other times?"

Jacqueline had a flashback to the party a couple of days earlier-- Jane sitting next to her on the couch, touching the skin of her wrist. When she had caught herself and looked at her, Jacqueline just knew that if they hadn't been interrupted, Jane's distraction giving her a few precious seconds to gather herself...

_Something would have happened._

"I don't know when it started, exactly," Jacqueline said, taking a sip of her second whiskey. She knew she shouldn't be drinking on an empty stomach, their lunch forgotten for the time being, but was past the point of caring. "She's always been... special. Different from the other girls-- people, that worked for me. From the moment I read her resume, I..."

Seeing Adele's worried expression was like seeing all her nightmares come to life. It was proof that this-- whatever _this_ was-- was crazy. Dangerous. Foolish...

"She's so young. My God--" said Jacqueline, squeezing her eyes shut. "I know it's up to me to be the voice of reason in this situation--"

"Oh yes, yes it is," said Adele, still serious, nodding vigorously. "If she's as young as you say, and directly under you-- no pun intended--"

Jacqueline didn't even crack a smile at the joke, her stomach in knots. Adele wasn't laughing either.

"-- then you need to be careful. You're in a position of authority--"

"I know. Trust me, it's..."

"Depending on how this... _situation_ is handled, it's both your careers on the line."

Adele wasn't saying anything Jacqueline hadn't considered, although she'd argue that Jane was the one with the most to lose in that particular front. Jacqueline could afford to go down for this, having already reaped the fruits of a long and successful career. If push came to shove, she would be able to cope with what was said and written about her. But Jane... Jane was just starting out. If it came out she'd been having an affair with Jacqueline, the story would be that she'd slept her way to the top, and that could close a lot of doors for her. It wasn't fair, but it was life.

Jacqueline's Achilles heel, on the other hand, was her family. The last thing she wanted was to hurt them.

"Have you considered reassigning her, finding her a position elsewhere?"

Jacqueline looked up at Adele upon hearing that, the pain in her eyes evident at the thought of, once again, losing Jane. Little did Adele know they'd tried being away from each other before. Lord knows they weren't in as deep back then, but the writing had already been on the wall. Jane had been the first to crack, asking for her job back, but Jacqueline was strong at the time, doing what needed to be done.

_"I don't think this is the best thing... for you, right now."_

_Not just for you_ , she'd thought. _For us. This is our chance for a clean break._

"Oh, dear..." said Adele in sympathy, her gaze softening. "That's the problem with emotional affairs," she added. "They're messier than any sordid tryst could ever be, I don't care what anyone says."

Jacqueline said nothing in reply, lost in thought.

"How did it get to this point?"

Adele's question made Jacqueline think about the moment that jumpstarted everything. "She... had been drinking. It's a long story," Jacqueline said at the curious look on Adele's eyes, "She ended up saying things that made me... aware of how she felt about me."

"At first I brushed it all off as a simple case of hero worship-- and my own feelings as a natural response to it. We've always worked closely together, I've been mentoring her for the past couple of years, and the proximity and intimacy that comes with--"

"Darling, I mentored you closely, did I not?" said Adele, interrupting Jacqueline's rationalizations.

"Yes, you did," said Jacqueline with a sigh, knowing where Adele was going even before she got there.

"As gorgeous as you are, I've never wanted you naked in my bed-- no offense."

"None taken," said Jacqueline with a chuckle. "And same here, just for the record."

"Well, there you go."

"So what are you saying?"

"What I'm saying is that while 'hero worship,' as you call it, might be a component, it can only be part of the equation. It's not that simple."

"There is nothing simple about this. What do I do, Adele?" asked Jacqueline, once again hiding her face in her hands. "I feel that no matter what I do, someone will get hurt."

"You've been married to Ian for a long time."

"We've built a life together. I'm grateful for him; I'm so... _fond_ of him."

Adele's grimace made Jacqueline defensive, even as she acknowledged the fact her words to describe her relationship were tepid, at best. "We are best friends," she said, with more conviction this time.

"Not exactly the stuff romance novels are made of," Adele pointed out.

"Maybe not, but relationships are about more than just... _attraction_. He's the father of my children, for God's sake."

"He'll always be the father of your children. But if companionship and compatibility and all those fine things were all that mattered for a couple, you would be perfectly content, instead of finding yourself in this position."

"I thought you agreed with me that this was insane."

"I'm not saying it isn't," said Adele. "And the fact that this girl works for you definitely complicates things. But maybe-- just maybe-- she's not the cause, but a symptom of a larger problem. And regardless of whether you decide to be... insane, as you put it... or not, at the end of the day, your marital issues will still exist."

"I still don't know what to do."

"Look-- the way I see it, there are a couple of things you have to do here. One of them is figuring out the extent of your feelings for this girl."

"What's the other one?", asked Jacqueline, afraid to know the answer.

"I'd think it'd be the most obvious one-- you can't decide the future of your marriage by yourself, darling. There are two of you in this relationship-- even if by the looks of things Ian has been on his own for a while now."

Jacqueline's eyes welled up at that. Part of her felt incredibly guilty, but another part felt confused and a little perplexed. Hadn't he noticed how distant she'd been in the last... year or so? Why hadn't he said anything? Was it because he didn't care? Or was he afraid?

Draining what was left of her whiskey, Jacqueline ordered the next round. Her life was a mess, and there was nothing she could do in that moment.  _Today she'd drink._

_Tomorrow, she'd think._

_Soon after that, she'd act._


	14. Electrical Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane's aftermath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An IVV update - 'tis the season for miracles after all! :P
> 
> I just wanted to thank you for the lovely and thoughtful comments you've left in the last couple of chapters, I really appreciate them! I hope you enjoy this chapter. 
> 
> Happy holidays! :)

Sutton was a comic sight. Hair sticking out in every direction, eyes puffy, barely open, she stood there, her eyes flicking from the table to Jane, then back to the table.

"Good morning," said Jane with an amused smile, pouring freshly squeezed orange juice in a glass. She was just waiting for her friend to make a grumbling remark about her excessive 'pep' like she normally did after a long night where alcohol was involved and she had over indulged.

When Jane didn't hear anything and noticed Sutton was still standing there, she gave her her full attention, setting down her glass. "Something wrong?"

"Well, that depends - did I space out and forget we're expecting five to ten people for brunch this fine Saturday?"

Their kitchen table and most of their counter space were covered in an assortment of baked goods, fruit plates, eggs, coffee, and juice.

"Too much?", asked Jane sheepishly. Maybe she'd gotten a little carried away... but she had been out for a run when she passed a Whole Foods and before she knew she was home baking up a storm.

"I know stress cooking when I see it. Spill," said Sutton, finally sitting down at the table and taking a bite out of a chocolate muffin. "Hmmmm, oh my God," she said, widening her eyes, "So good."

"Well, I was all done with my stress cleaning--" she explained, making Sutton turn her attention to the rest of apartment, noticing for the first time it was indeed spotless. "So I figured..."

A light bulb seemed to go off in the blonde's head just then. "So that's why I dreamed we had rats. It was you making noise!"

"I couldn't sleep," continued Jane matter-of-factly, a ball of stress, as if her friend hadn't spoken, "And needed something to do--"

"Wait, you haven't slept?" asked Sutton. "Did Jacqueline reply to your text?" she deduced a beat later, wide-eyed, all of a sudden remembering their conversation the night before. "What did she say??"

"Ok, one question at a time," said Jane with a sigh, rubbing her eyes. "No, I haven't slept. Yes, she did reply to my text. And then, she called..."

Like always, Jane struggled to recount her conversations with Jacqueline, so she just said with a small smile, her happiness outshining her nerves for the first time that morning. "She cares."

"She say that?" asked Sutton in a low, almost reverential tone, seeming to understand instantly how big that was for Jane.

"Yes."

_I do care._

_Probably more than I should._

"How are you feeling?"

"Like I'm about to throw up right on this table."

With that Sutton made a face and put down her muffin.

Jane had experienced a wide range of emotions since getting off the phone with Jacqueline in the early hours of the morning. But even when she was riding high on happiness and excitement she had no outlet for her feelings and the result was pent-up energy and stress.

And there was another pesky matter she had no idea how to tackle.

"I don't know what to do, Sutton." What could she do with what Jacqueline had said to her?

"Who says you have to do anything?" asked Sutton.

As Jane stared at her friend without saying anything, she added, "I just feel you're putting too much pressure on yourself by thinking you have to do some sort of big gesture, take this giant leap, when things seem to be moving along pretty well if you were to ask me."

Jane couldn't argue with her friend's logic. Then again, her brain wasn't exactly in tip-top condition right then. "I can't think," she explained, resting her head on the table.

"Being awake for 24-plus hours will do that to a person. Go to bed. It'll make sense when you wake up," she said, shooing Jane away with a hand gesture, getting up from the table herself.

Dragging her feet to her bedroom, Jane could overhear Sutton calling Kat and inviting her and Adena to come over, so all that food wouldn't go to waste.

* * *

 

"Hey," said Jane, standing by the door.

"Hi," replied Jacqueline, clearly surprised, if not necessarily displeased, by the sight. "It's--" she began to say, checking her watch on her wrist for the time.

"--late," added Jane with a breathy laugh. "I was... researching something and lost track of time. Then I saw your light on--" It was technically true - she'd decided to stay and work on a potential new story. That Jane made the decision to stay late in the first place in the hopes of catching Jacqueline alone and then got caught up in what she was doing, well... she didn't need to know _that_ part.

"--and I thought I'd say hi."

"Hi," an amused Jacqueline said again, unnecessarily, making Jane smile shyly. As they looked at each other and she stood there, Jane realized she had no idea what to say. She just wanted to stay there, keep her talking--

"You should go, get some rest," replied Jacqueline encouragingly a moment later, breaking the spell, her attention immediately shifting back to the papers on her desk.

The pang Jane could instantly feel in her chest as a result of that clear dismissal was a sharp one. In any other situation, this would've been perceived as a kind gesture - a boss telling her employee that whatever she had to do could wait, that she should go home, come back refreshed in the morning. But the truth was that there was nothing Jane would rather be doing right then than spending time with her, and those words indicated she didn't feel the same way. That stung. Especially right on the heels of a party and a phone call that had Jane riding a rollercoaster of emotions all weekend.

She was ready to acknowledge that statement and turn to leave, tail tucked between her legs when she saw Jacqueline look at her again, carefully this time. Jane had no idea what was going on in her head right then, but before she could get nervous, the way she always did whenever Jacqueline would 'read' her like that, her gaze softened, and she crossed her hands over her desk, asking, "Are you done with your work?"

"Not yet--" Ok, that was definitely not true.

"Then why don't you bring your things in here? We can keep each other company," she added matter-of-factly. Then she was back to ignoring Jane, eyebrows knitted while reading a document. For once Jane was grateful to have Jacqueline's focus off of her, as she was sure her relief upon realizing Jacqueline's dismissive attitude earlier was clearly related to her work, not Jane herself, was evident on her face. Wasting no time, she went to her desk and got her laptop, taking a seat on Jacqueline couch. Her boss was clearly occupied, not even once glancing in her direction as Jane made herself comfortable. Jane who would look up from her screen from time to time just to look at her, perfectly content doing so.

* * *

 

That night marked the beginning of a new ritual, which consisted of Jane hanging back until everyone had already left and slipping into Jacqueline's office, laptop under her arm, setting up camp on her couch - one that by now felt as cozy and as familiar as the one she had at home. Often times they wouldn't talk much after their initial greeting, and just keep each other company until Jacqueline, usually, called it a night.

That Jane had absolutely nothing to do in the office after 5 was known by both of them, but neither would acknowledge that fact.

Later, wondering why that time spent in silence was so satisfying, Jane would come to the realization that there're two versions of "Jane and Jacqueline": a public one, for everyone else's benefit, and another one that was just for them, and only had a chance to come out after hours. As much as there was a lot unsaid between them, there was also no bullshit, and, most importantly, no third parties watching and listening to them or analyzing their interactions. That meant they could be their messy, complicated selves with no additional expectations, which felt liberating, even while they figured things out.

When they were alone together in that office, in their bubble, with no one outside looking in, all those messy feelings were still hanging over their heads - not in a menacing way, however, but in an exciting, charged one. It was like the beginnings of a Summer storm when the air is so still and thick it's hard to breathe, and you can feel the electricity and smell the ozone in the air. The impending storm isn't a threat - it's more like a promise.

Jane could feel the storm inching closer and closer which each new moment they spent together. She avidly cataloged everything - the way Jacqueline looked with her jacket off, an extra shirt button unbuttoned, that first night. Jacqueline without shoes on, stretching her feet on the thick carpeting, whiskey glass in hand, on night three. Jacqueline laying back against her chair, eyes closed, as she tried to assess whether she had another hour left in her or if she should go home, on night four. Seeing her so... unguarded, even if in perfectly ordinary, human ways was something Jane wasn't used to, and another reason why she treasured those quiet evenings with her so much.

Sometimes they would talk. Their new dynamic has given Jane the courage and strength to battle the demons she had done her best to ignore since her diagnosis. So one of those nights she started bringing in her enormous research binder and read through everything again, taking full advantage of the fact her mind was calmer and clearer than it'd been in a long time. When she was ready, she brought up the subject with Jacqueline, going over some of the things she'd read and thought about with her. As usual, she gave her encouragement and some valuable insights, even if she couldn't make a decision for Jane. That was several nights ago, and she finally felt strong enough to--

"Something on your mind?"

Looking up from her newspaper, alarmed by the sound of the voice breaking the silence and interrupting her thoughts, Jane noticed Jacqueline's attention had shifted from her computer to Jane. It took a couple of seconds for her to say something, clearing her throat.

"I've made a decision," she explained, letting the relief of having reached a conclusion after having this subject weighing on her mind for so long come out in her voice. "I'm freezing my eggs."

"I'm happy for you, Jane." The twinkle in Jacqueline's eye, the softness and happiness Jane could hear in those few words were almost overwhelming at this moment, making her slightly lightheaded. Whenever Jacqueline would look at her like that it almost made her forget she wasn't ready. 

_Almost._

"You finish today's puzzle?" asked Jane, changing the subject, pointing to her newspaper on her lap.

That was another part of their ritual - finishing the New York Times crossword puzzle together. If one of them was stumped the other would help out without giving away the answer. That Jane would often pretend not to know a word just so Jacqueline would engage and tease her and they could spend more time together, well... she suspected this was another 'no reason to stay after 5' type thing.

Jane watched as Jacqueline smirked, and ruffled through her desk for her copy of the newspaper.

She had a feeling they both enjoyed playing this game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was just me establishing the new J/J dynamic post-Madonna party/phone call. The plot will move along in a chapter or two, so stay tuned for that.


	15. 8 across

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karaoke night blues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, everyone! Just a short and sweet chapter before I move things along. I hope you enjoy.

Karaoke night with Kat and Sutton was usually a good time. Usually. Peeling off the label of her beer bottle, Jane only half listened to the lovey-dovey couple on stage doing a piss poor rendition of Jason Mraz’ Lucky, as Kat played on her phone and Sutton downed shot after shot.

 

The truth was, none of them was in the mood to sing. Sutton had had a particularly bad day at work, having run into Richard and his girlfriend - their PDA discreet, but upsetting to her nonetheless. Putting herself in her friend’s shoes, remembering what it’d felt like to watch Ian all handsy with Jacqueline at the Scarlet party, Jane suggested they go out to get her mind off of it.

 

Meanwhile, the fact Jane hadn’t seen Jacqueline “after hours” in the last four days had her in a funk. She didn’t say anything to Kat and Sutton though, as telling them she “missed Jacqueline” when she’d see the woman every day at work seemed pathetic even by Jane’s “lovesick puppy” standards. Plus, tonight they were there to support Sutton — she wasn’t in the mood to recap another chapter of the Jane and Jacqueline saga, as she’d felt like she’d monopolized her friends’ focus long enough with that particular drama.

 

They didn’t seem to take the hint though.

 

“So, Jane,” started Kat, putting down her phone. “I’m surprised you didn’t have to work late tonight,” commented Kat, going for casual but clearly on a fishing expedition.

 

Before she could respond she heard Sutton snorting, and then mock whispering, “Work late” to Kat while doing air quotes.

 

“Ok, why are you saying it like that?”, asked Jane, frowning and smiling at her friend, who was three sheets to the wind by now.

 

“Because we all know ‘work late’ is code for _bow chicka wow wow_ ,” answered Sutton, moving her shoulders in a sexy way.

 

“Except it’s not… _that_ , not even close,” retorted Jane, shaking her head, trying to clear it of the distracting thoughts that suddenly appeared there. “Anyway, tonight is not about me.”

 

When her efforts to shut down the subject proved successful, Jane was relieved. But as Kat went back to her phone and Sutton became distracted by a fresh drink, her thoughts inevitably went back to Jacqueline. Jane couldn’t help but wonder if she missed her too. While she simply refused to undo all the progress she’d made in terms of accepting her feelings were reciprocated, seeing her boss only in public and in business as usual mode was… unsettling. Especially after the last few nights they’d spent together.

 

“Ugh, so cheesy,” finally said Kat with an eye-roll, as Jane winced at the pitchy “woo-woos” towards the end of the song. At least it was almost over.

 

“Some would call it charming,” interjected Jane, trying for kindness.

 

“Oh, pffft!” said Sutton, making a thumbs-down gesture and an obscene noise with her mouth. “My cat can sing better than that!” she added, a little too loudly, and an amused Jane shushed her.

 

“You don’t have a cat?”, said Kat tentatively, not knowing where Sutton was getting at and a little scared to find out.

 

“I used to. His name was Mr. Mittens.” Sutton closed her eyes as if in remembrance. But when she kept them closed, Jane thought she’d fallen asleep sitting at the table.

 

“Ok, I think we should take this one here home,” she said with a sigh, looking at Kat. “What do you say we call it a night?”

 

“I say amen to that,” replied Kat, grabbing her jacket from the back of her chair.

 

“I’m sorry I spoiled you guys' evening,” said Sutton, who went from almost unconscious to loudly apologetic and on the verge of tears in five seconds flat.

 

“Hey, you haven’t spoiled anything, I’m glad I’m not the—,” started to reassure Jane, only to be interrupted by her phone waking up.

 

_“8 across has me stumped”_

 

“You’re glad you’re not what?” asked Kat, as Jane stared at the message on the screen, her heart skipping a beat. Schooling her features, she casually commented, as she slipped her phone into her bag, “… glad I’m not the one making a spectacle of myself for a change?”

 

Kat knew something was up but took Jane’s cue and dropped the subject as they threw money on the table and helped Sutton to her feet.

 

* * *

 

 

Waiting was nothing short of torture. But wait Jane did, until they were home, Sutton was safely passed out in her bed, and she was in her PJs. Only after she’d turned off the lights and was comfortable under the covers, safe in her cocoon, she allowed herself to open Jacqueline’s text and type a reply.

 

_“I have a confession to make. I didn’t do today’s crossword puzzle.”_

 

When she didn’t get a reply right away Jane began to worry Jacqueline had given up on her and gone to bed. But after a couple of minutes, she could see the three dots indicating she was getting a reply and breathed a sigh of relief.

 

_“And here I was, counting on you, Jane”_

 

Jane could picture the amusement gracing Jacqueline’s features as she teased her, making her smile as she stared at the screen.

 

_“Sorry to disappoint. I was out with Kat and Sutton tonight.”_

 

_“I forgive you. Did you have fun?”_

 

_“Not really.”_

 

_“Sorry to hear that”_

_“Anything the matter?”_

 

Jane started typing, hesitating a moment. Before she could overthink things she finished the message and pressed send.

 

 _“I just wished I was elsewhere tonight.”_ The past four nights.

_“How was your evening?”_

 

_“Uneventful”_

 

_“And what does an uneventful evening for Jacqueline Carlyle entail?”_

 

_“Dinner with my boys. A cup of chai tea. The Bachelor. The NY Times crossword puzzle.”_

 

Having been to her house before, it was easy for Jane to picture the scene. Of course, last time she'd been a dinner guest and Jacqueline had on a "casual" outfit - as casual as Gucci slip ons that cost more than her rent allowed it to be, anyway. But now, so late at night, she pictured a makeup-free Jacqueline curling up on her couch in cream silk pajamas, feet bare, reading glasses sliding towards the bridge of her nose, book in her lap and a steaming cup of tea on a side table. She wished more than anything she could be there with her.

 

_“I like it when you tell me things.”_

 

Just as Jane started wondering if she’d crossed a line with that apparently innocuous, but actually quite loaded statement, her phone beeped once again.

 

_“Effervescence”_

 

Jane read then re-read the message, frowning. She was about to send Jacqueline a question mark when all of a sudden—

 

It hit her.

 

Opening up her browser and accessing the NY Times website for today’s crossword puzzle, heart racing, she checked the clue for 8 across.

 

Excitement, enthusiasm, ebullience. 13 spaces.

_Effervescence_.

 

“Oh”

 

“Goodnight, Jane.”

 

A dumb smile on her face, Jane typed, “Goodnight”, and stared at the screen until it went black.


	16. Un

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's feeling a lot like Paris Fashion Week!
> 
> Paris - Part un.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've reached the final episode of season 2! I've borrowed a lot from canon for this chapter, which is why some of the dialogue will definitely be familiar to you - but I'm also changing/omitting certain things as this is still, very much, an AU story.

"Paris!", a beaming Sutton victoriously announced, raising her arms up, when she saw Andrew entering the fashion closet where she'd been hanging out with Jane. He didn't even acknowledge her. "Hello? Parlez-vous Anglais??", he said. "Obviously not," he muttered under his breath, ending his phone conversation with a double tap to his left airpod and a frustrated sigh.

"What's happening there?", a frowning Sutton asked as she approached Andrew, pointing to his distressed face and making a circular motion with her index finger. "That's not an appropriate 'Paris!' reaction!"

"I swear, if I don't hear the word 'Paris' ever again it'll be too soon," mumbled Jane, going through one of the clothing racks. As happy as she was for her friend, her patience for the blonde's enthusiasm was wearing thinner and thinner as the days leading up to Paris Fashion Week passed. Not only did she have to put up with Sutton and Andrew high-fiving each other or yelling out 'Paris!' whenever they saw each other at Scarlet (which was _often_ \- what with open concepts and glass offices everywhere), but she had to live with her and hear all about the upcoming trip when they got home, too.

Uncharacteristically, Andrew, who wasn't one for complaining or venting (or saying much of anything to them, really), decided to open up. "I still have so much to do. Too much! Even stuff that was already taken care of, I'm having to do all over again--"

"Last minute changes are part of the game, _boi_ , you gotta roll with the punches!", said Sutton, bending her legs and mimicking a boxer's stance, lightly punching Andrew in the arm.

Having zero interest in the conversation, Jane moved to another rack, checking out other pieces.

She could hear Andrew saying, "Hire the florist for the party, cancel the florist, get a different one. Hire a band - no, cancel the band, Andrew, we're going with a DJ instead. Book Ian's plane ticket, cancel Ian's plane ticket..."

Jane immediately froze in place. Quickly turning around, she caught Sutton's widening eyes and could almost hear the blonde in her head telling her to chill. Andrew didn't even glance in their direction, oblivious to their silent communication, his attention on an accessories pile he was rummaging through, even though Jane's gaze was practically burning a hole through his skull.

"Oh. He's not going anymore?" she heard her friend ask as she perused some scarfs next to him - so casually, so perfectly ' _casz_ ' in a way Jane could never, _ever_ , pull off--

Snorting and widening his eyes, he simply said, "No," before glancing at a notification that showed up on his iPad screen. "Shoot!", he said, leaving the room in two or three strides, all frazzled nerves and anxiety.

As soon as he was out of sight, Jane turned to Sutton.

"He's not going." She announced, pragmatically. It could mean anything, Jane told herself. No use getting her hopes up. "It doesn't mean anything."

Except--

"The way he said it though," quickly amended Jane, squinting her eyes.

"Yeah, it was a little strange..." agreed Sutton, her eyes squinting in response, head tilting to the side.

_Ok, so much for not being hopeful._

"I mean, it's Andrew, he's always snarky..." argued Jane, with a shrug of her shoulders. Arguing against herself, her brain was automatically putting together in two columns a list of reasons why this tidbit of information didn't mean anything and why it did.

Or rather, _could_.

_Potentially._

"Nah, it was still weird," replied Sutton, shaking her head.

"It was, wasn't it??" agreed Jane, finally dropping the blasé act.

* * *

 

"What should we toast to?", asked Kat, raising her glass. 

"To Fashion Week, baby!", said Sutton, as the three girls clinked their glasses. "Also to the fact we found out a certain someone isn't going to Pa-- Fashion Week!" blurted out a wide-eyed Sutton, who barely caught herself before saying the "P" word. It had been a pre-requisite to Jane agreeing to their night out that the word "Paris" be off the table for the next couple of hours.

"Maybe it doesn't mean anything," said Jane, cautiously. And then, a second later, "The way he said it, though..."  
  
"Oh my God, we get it, it was sus!" said Sutton, widening her eyes.

"It was very sus," agreed Jane, nodding. "On the other hand--"

"Can you just... pick a side of the fence already? Are we happy or not?", asked a frustrated Kat.

"We are happy. We just don't know _how_ happy we should be," explained Jane. "We're also a feeling little guilty for feeling happy in the first place..."

"It's exhausting... being your friend sometimes. I say that with love."

"I know," conceded Jane, sighing and peeling off the label of her beer bottle. "You should try living in my head."

"You know why you've been doing that lately, right?", said Kat with a raised eyebrow.

"Doing what?"

"Picking at the label."

"I have no idea, but I'm sure you're about to enlighten me."

"It's supposedly a sign of sexual frustration."

"Can't argue with you there," replied Jane, dryly.

"You ever consider giving a certain pinstriped friend a call? I'm not talking anything serious, just some mutual stress relief?", suggested Kat.

As Jane shot her a lovesick puppy look, that was all pout, big eyes and hopeless infatuation, Sutton laughed and shook her head, "Sooo smitten..."

* * *

"Any news on the egg front?", asked Sutton, drawing weird looks from Kat and Jane.

"That makes it sound like you're talking about a chicken coop instead of my ovaries," said Jane, pulling a face and making Kat and Sutton laugh. "I talked to Jacqueline earlier, I was hoping she would take this to the board-- it's ridiculous Safford doesn't cover female reproductive health and guys get coverage for ED problems."

"What did she say?"

Jacqueline had actually been somewhat dismissive, but she was about to board on a plane to Paris, so Jane tried not to take it personally. "She said she couldn't help right now. It's lousy timing..."

"It is. When I had my own problem with Safford's college education policy I took it up with the board, and she had my back," explained Kat.

Jane knew she needed to find a way to help Jacqueline help _her_. She was not a department head like Kat, so it's not like she could just ask for a board meeting to make her case...

A lightbulb went off in her head just then. "I know how I'm going to take this to them."

"How?" asked Kat.

"WWNED."

"WWNED?"

"What would Nora Ephron do?"

"What _would_ she do?"

"She would write about it," Jane said with a smile, eyes twinkling. "And that's what I'm gonna do."

* * *

Writing the piece had been the easy part, Jane thought, as she finished dotting her I's and crossing her T's over a glass of wine at home. Her friends had left for Paris the day before - half of Scarlet was in Paris, it seemed.

"Well," she said to Kat and Sutton over Facetime. "My article is ready."

"Awesome!", said Kat, and Sutton clapped.

"The hard part is gonna be convincing Jacqueline to run it."

"You know, I'm sure it'd be much easier to convince her in person...", started Kat.

"It's not like I can just hop on a plane to Paris!"

"Why not?"

"Do you know how much plane tickets cost? And hotel rooms, for that matter? I'm the girl who can't afford to see her fertility expert about having a dozen eggs frozen."

"You're in luck because I happen to have a ton of airline miles," said Kat.

"And I have an extra bed in my room," added Sutton. "Come on, Tiny Jane. It's not the same without you!"

It wasn't a difficult choice, really. Paris was where her best friends were. Where Jacqueline was. It was also the place where her best chances of taking the reins of her reproductive health and actually accomplishing something were.

"Well then," said Jane, draining what was left of her glass of wine. "I guess I'm going to Paris!"


	17. Deaux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paris - Part Deaux.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know how much you guys love my cliffhangers, but my muse has been cooperating, and work hasn't been so chaotic lately, so I figured I'd update again!

"I have to admit - I was very surprised when I got your message to meet you in the lobby."

Jane had been expecting Jacqueline, of course, having texted her to come down to meet her, but even so, the sound of her voice made her heart jump in her chest, and it took her a few moments to get herself together. The second she laid eyes on her all she could think was how pretty she looked in purple. How pretty she looked when she smiled at Jane like that. So much so those words almost came flying out of her mouth of their own accord - her stupid urge to confess things to this woman almost getting her in trouble once again. Only this time she didn't have alcohol as an excuse - just a mild case of jetlag, combined with the fact she'd missed her like crazy in the last few days.

"Hello, Jane."

"Hi." Jane's voice sounded small and breathy to her own ears. Suddenly remembering what she was actually there to do, not to mention her manners, she shook her head, snapping out her trance, and added, "Thanks for taking the time to meet with me."

"So," Jacqueline said, swiftly changing to business-mode, taking a seat across from her. "I read your story..."

Jane reacted accordingly, sitting up straighter and entering pitch-mode. "What did you think? Because... if you have any notes for me, I'd be more than happy to--"

"I can't run it, Jane."

"Oh." Not for the first time, Jane wondered at Jacqueline's ability to metaphorically punch her in the gut with a handful of softly spoken words. This scenario brought back painful memories of the time Jane had asked for her job back, not that long ago, and heard from her boss that yes, she could bring Jane back, if she wanted to, but that she didn't. Not in those words, of course, as Jacqueline did explain she didn't think it was "the best thing" for Jane back then, but still. That had been hard to hear, to say the least.

And so was this, Jane pondered, as she attempted to swallow the bitter disappointment she was feeling.

"It's just bad ti--"

"--timing, I know," finished Jane, speaking over Jacqueline, looking down and playing with her hands.

"I want you to understand that this isn't a reflection on your work, it's a great piece..."

She nodded, still looking down.

"I wish I could help," Jacqueline said, her tone final. "But my hands are tied."

Jane bit her lip and met her eyes. She could tell just by looking at Jacqueline's face that she was being sincere, and she had no reason to doubt her motives. But Jane's common sense and trust in the woman in front of her were being tested by the small, cynical part of her brain that was telling her she _could_ help, only she was choosing not to.

_Again._

"I... would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. This isn't just about my situation. It's an important story."

"I don't disagree," offered Jacqueline, leaving it at that.

"Okay." Jane desperately wanted to understand, argue her case, but Jacqueline wasn't being exactly forthcoming-- and if she wasn't willing to explain, Jane didn't want to overstep. "I know you're busy--", she said getting up.

"I'll see you at the party tonight?", asked Jacqueline, expectantly, getting up herself. As disheartened as she was by the outcome of their conversation, the thought of seeing Jacqueline, spending time with her, made Jane's heart happy. It always did.

"Yes," she replied with a small smile. "Yes, you will."

* * *

She did say her hands were tied," pondered Sutton, wrestling with a curling iron in front of the mirror, as she and Jane got ready for the party. "I'm sure she would've helped if she'd seen her way clear to do so--"

"I know," replied Jane, cutting her friend off, as she fiddled with the zipper of her dress. She wanted to put this subject in the back burner and forget it, at least for tonight, and focus on the fact she was with her best friends in Paris, about to attend a pretty spectacular party. Not to mention Jacqueline the boss, the one who made calls which did not always go in her favor, was not Jacqueline the woman - and Jacqueline the woman - she had a feeling -, was actually showing up tonight.

_Sans husband._

The butterflies in Jane's stomach were doing summersaults at the thought of catching Jacqueline alone for a few minutes (or hours, if she had any say in it and was in any luck). The last party they attended together had been a rollercoaster of emotions for Jane, but the low points paled in comparison to the highlights. That small, dark room, which still appeared in her dreams from time to time, held a special place in her heart, and Jane wondered if they'd find a similar place to hide from the world tonight. At that moment she considered scouring the venue beforehand to make sure, and the absurdity of that idea made her start laughing.

"What's funny?", asked Sutton, who was currently riding a high of her own, having patched things up with Richard earlier that day, as she got started on her eye makeup.

"Oh, nothing," replied Jane, grabbing her phone and staring at the notification that had just shown up on her screen.

She couldn't believe what she was seeing at first.

Abandoning her phone for the hotel room's desktop computer, she typed up Scarlet's web address and there it was.

"She published it."

"Huh?", asked Sutton, who appeared to only have been half listening, as she worked on her winged eyeliner.

"Jacqueline... she just published my article," mumbled Jane, still in shock, her own words staring at her on the computer screen.

"What!" exclaimed Sutton, nearly poking an eye out but not even caring, turning in her chair to face her.

"I know, it's... almost too good to be true--" said Jane with a surprised laugh, her thoughts all over the place.

"She did it because it's you," Sutton said softly. "You know that, right?"

Jane did know. If before she was excited, now she felt giddy, armed with a sense of confidence the likes of which she hadn't experienced in a long time. She accomplished what she'd set out to do and finally felt like she was in the driver's seat of her own life.

It made Jane wonder what else she could accomplish if she were to take another leap of faith and trust Jacqueline with something even bigger than this story. Something much, much bigger.

* * *

 

When Jane first saw Jacqueline that evening, she'd been taking pictures with Oliver on the red carpet.

Smiling automatically at the sight, she stood near the edge of the roped line and drank her in. Seeing Jacqueline in her element was something Jane would never, ever grow tired of. She felt like she'd be perfectly content just watching her interact with people, in any setting or capacity, for hours at a time - and, truth be told, she'd taken full advantage of every opportunity she'd had over the course of the three years she'd worked at Scarlet to do just that. There was a version of Jacqueline for everyone at these events, and it was fascinating to Jane how seamlessly she made the transition from powerhouse, HBIC Editor-in-Chief when talking to big advertisers, publishers and other corporate types, to motivational, inspirational leader when interacting with her staff and employees, and, switching gears once again, to warm, carefree and unguarded friend around a select, privileged few. Jane would occasionally catch a glimpse of this last version of Jacqueline during her interactions with Richard, depending on the context of the gathering and who else was around, and she'd also seen it at the Mandy Awards, when Jane saw the woman atop a staircase, throwing her head back and sharing a laugh with her friend Jessica. This particular version of Jacqueline was definitely the most elusive one, the one Jane felt she was inching closer and closer to the more time they spent together.

Jane had been thinking all those things when Jacqueline turned her head and caught her staring, giving one of those barely-there smiles that made her weak in the knees, her eyes flashing in a way that made liquid heat pool low in her belly.

That was another thing. As many versions and variations of Jacqueline as she'd gotten and witnessed over the years, none of them matched this one. This one was a newer occurrence and one that was Jane's and Jane's alone. It was funny - not to mention incredibly stupid - how possessive she felt of someone who didn't even belong to her, but she'd stopped trying to make sense of it a long time ago.

When Jacqueline zeroed in on Jane and started making her way towards her, however, neglecting all those people around her who were desperate for a moment of her time, those feelings almost started to make sense.

"Hi there," said Jacqueline, when she finally reached Jane.

Taking a deep breath, Jane pulled herself together. _The article_. She had to let Jacqueline know how much that had meant to her. "I-- I don't even know what to say. Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me," she said in that quiet tone - the same one she'd used when she told Jane she wasn't worried about her young moms' piece. "If anything, I have you to thank for reminding me why I do this job in the first place."

They got lost in each other's eyes then, forgetting everything and everyone around them. Remembering the conversation she had with herself in her hotel room when she learned about her article, Jane made a decision then and there.

_It was time to go big or go home._

"There's something I need to ta--"

Before she was able to finish her thought, grab Jacqueline's hand and go somewhere private so she could finally say all those things she'd been keeping inside for so long, Andrew appeared out of nowhere and unceremoniously interrupted their silent communication, whispering something in Jacqueline's ear. Closing her eyes for a brief moment, Jane then looked down at her feet while he talked, her heart thudding in her chest almost painfully because what she'd been about to do. When Jane looked up, Jacqueline was telling Andrew she'd be right there, and then turned to her and shot her an apologetic look. "I--"

"-- have to go," mumbled Jane with a small smile that let her know that it was fine. Sighing, she added, "I know."

Eyes sparkling, that maddening smirk on her lips, Jacqueline laid a hand on Jane's forearm and said, "Come find me later," before turning on her heel and meeting Andrew, who was waiting for her a couple of feet away.

Jane stared after them until they disappeared in the middle of the crowd. "Whatcha lookin' at?", asked Sutton, who'd just arrived with Kat.

"Nothing," she replied, shaking her head and turning to her friends with a big smile on her face. After taking their long-awaited Paris selfie, the three girls made their way inside the venue for a night that, Jane knew, was going to change her life - one way or another.


	18. Trois

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paris - Part Trois.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fasten your seatbelts...

"Kat..." started Jane, nudging her friend's arm.  
  
"Come on, I looked less than five minutes ago," complained Kat.  
  
"First of all, need I remind you that this is your responsibility as the tallest in our group?" started Jane.  
  
Sutton, who was sipping her drink, nodded in solidarity to Jane, her eyes flicking between her two friends.  
  
"Second of all, one could argue this situation is pretty much your fault."  
  
Even though there was no actual bite to Jane's words, there was also more than a kernel of truth to them. Kat's social media blackout strategy had worked out a little too well, and the venue was jam-packed; the sheer number of people there, combined with the layout of the room, made it difficult to find someone in the crowd. With Jane being as short as she was, even in high heels, she was having a hard time locating a certain leggy, blonde boss lady, no matter how distinctive her hairstyle that evening happened to be.  
  
The fact Jacqueline didn't have her phone with her made the situation all the more challenging. Even if Jane were to borrow Kat's "smuggled phone", it's not like Jacqueline would get the message in the first place, having surrendered her own device for a "night off the grid", like most everyone else in attendance.  
  
With an exasperated sigh, Kat got up from her seat at the bar and, turning around, stretched herself as tall as she could manage. "I think I see her near the back windows - 8 o'clock."  
  
Abandoning her drink, Sutton tried to do the same, although, not being much taller than Jane, she couldn't really see what Kat was seeing.  
  
"Where?"  
  
"8 o'clock," Kat repeated herself, "Next to that guy with the Sideshow Bob hairdo."  
  
"That's someone's _hairdo_?", asked Sutton, squinting. "I thought it was a fern."  
  
"A _brown_ fern?"  
  
"A poorly-tended, neglected fern? It's not like I gave it much thought," argued Sutton, making a face.  
  
"I've been trying to get here for the past five minutes," Richard said as he linked an arm around Sutton's waist. The blonde smiled in response, covering his arm with her own, before turning her head and giving him a kiss. The scene brought a smile to Jane's face - it made her happy to see her friend so happy.  
  
"I need to speak to Jacqueline, have you seen her?", she asked, as Richard ordered himself a drink.  
  
"Yeah, she's back there. She's talking to a big advertiser though, I don't think now would be a good time," explained Richard, his face clouding, and Sutton looked at him with a frown.  
  
Jane masked her disappointment and nodded once at Richard before swiveling in her stool to face the bar once again. She'd gone so long being quiet, but now that she'd finally made the decision to speak to Jacqueline, each second she had to wait was like torture, even when the thought of actually going through with it made her nervous as hell. Kat, sitting to the other side of her, as if reading her mind, whispered, "Be patient. You've waited this long..."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," said Jane, ordering herself a drink. 

 

* * *

 

Letting herself to be distracted and entertained by her friends, Jane smiled as Kat and Sutton toasted to her article being published. The buzz she had diligently worked on throughout the evening also provided her with some much-needed relief from her anxiety. There was no way in hell she'd allow herself to become well and truly drunk though, not if she had any hope of actually talking to Jacqueline and making sense. That'd be a difficult conversation to begin with.  
  
Which reminded her--  
  
"Kat...", she started, poking her arm once again. When Richard was there she'd ask him to find Jacqueline for her, not even caring if it was weird how intent Jane was on knowing where her boss was at all times. In any event, he'd indulge her without asking questions - even if he'd started looking at her a bit funny after the third or fourth time she asked.   
  
Each and every time he managed to find Jacqueline for Jane, however, there was an issue of some sort. The first time she'd still been talking to advertiser guy; the second time, she didn't seem to be speaking to anyone truly important - at least that had been Richard's assessment -, but by the time Jane made her way over, she'd already left. The third time she was nowhere to be seen.  
  
Since Richard wasn't there at the moment, Kat was back on tall friend duty.  
  
Without even bothering to complain this time, she got up and looked around for a while.  
  
And kept looking.  
  
"I don't see her anywhere," she announced with a frown.  
  
"Maybe she went to the ladies' room?" suggested Sutton. "You should go look."  
  
"I don't think the bathroom would be the best place to have their conversation," rebutted Kat.  
  
"I don't mean _talk_ to her there, I mean talk to her _about_ talking to her there--"  
  
Ignoring her friends' bickering, Jane hopped off her stool and started making her way to the ladies' room. The place had started to empty out, she noted with some relief, allowing her to move more than a few inches every ten minutes. But before she made it to her destination, she saw someone she hadn't seen practically all evening, and the next best thing to Jacqueline herself in these circumstances.   
  
"Andrew!" she called out, making him turn around to look at her. Andrew greeted her with that "blank-yet-somehow-still-annoyed" expression that always seemed to be on his face when he looked at her. "Jane."  
  
"Where's Jacqueline?"  
  
"At the hotel, I would imagine."  
  
"What! She's already left?"  
  
It was like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on Jane's head just then. It wasn't exactly unusual for Jacqueline to leave these things early, especially if she'd already hob-knobbed with everyone there worthy of her time...  
  
_But she hadn't talked to Jane yet._  
  
And the way she'd looked at Jane earlier that evening... it was like she knew. Jane knew in her gut that she knew, and that's why she couldn't wait any longer.  
  
_"Come find me later."_  
  
Andrew opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, Jane asked, "What's her room number?"  
  
"I don't--"  
  
"What's... her... room... number?"  
  
When Andrew saw the intense - maybe slightly crazed - look on Jane's face, he stared at her in silence. Jane didn't know what was going through his head just then, but she was prepared to keep up the staring contest for as long as necessary. She wasn't leaving without an answer. With a sigh, he finally relented.  
  
"237."  
  
At that, without saying a word to him or anyone, and before she knew what she was doing, Jane was making her way outside.

 

* * *

 

It wasn't until she was approaching the hotel in an Uber, that it occurred to Jane to text her friends to let them know what she was up to. Letting out a laugh at the _'Go get her, tiger!'_ and _'YASSSSSS'_ responses she got in their group chat, she texted Jacqueline next, to ask her if they could talk.  
  
Unlike the last time Jane had done that though, Jacqueline didn't reply right away. It made her relieved she'd gotten her room number from Andrew, because one way or another, she was talking to her tonight - even if that meant knocking on her door unannounced.  
  
Neglecting to go up to her own room and change out of her gown, or fix her hair, which was coming apart in quite a spectacular fashion, Jane stayed in the hotel lobby, waiting for a reply. She kept checking her phone, just in case there was something wrong with her signal or internet connection, but was able to send and receive messages from Sutton and Kat just fine.  
  
After nearly burning a hole in the carpet pacing the area in front of the sofas, reading every magazine and newspaper in English she could find, closing her eyes and trying to meditate for all of two minutes before getting frustrated and giving up, checking her phone for the umpteenth time, and attracting more than a few strange looks with her general appearance and odd behavior, Jane finally decided it was time. Briefly considering asking the front desk to call Jacqueline's room before dismissing the idea, she made her way to the elevators.

 

* * *

 

Jane didn't know how long she'd been standing in front of the closed door to Jacqueline's room, but it wasn't until she heard some sounds down the hallway that she snapped out of her trance.  
  
Taking a deep breath, she finally knocked three times and looked down at her feet as she waited. Her heart was beating painfully in her chest.  
  
When she heard the sounds of footsteps approaching the door, and then the lock being turned, she felt like her heart was coming out of her throat.  
  
"Hello," the surprised voice greeted her. "You're not room service."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The new chapter will be posted soon.


	19. Quatre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paris - Part Quatre.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for Saturday's cliffhanger, but I'm sure you guys can appreciate why when I got to that point of the story I just *had* to stop there, lol.
> 
> Anyway, lemme know what you think.

_"Hello," the surprised voice greeted her. "You're not room service."_

 

* * *

  
Jane's immediate thought was that she'd gotten the wrong room. Andrew had said number 237, but clearly, he made a mistake, because--  
  
"How are you, Jane?"  
  
That accent. She knew that British accent. And she knew the man standing in front of her with a puzzled look on his face. But he wasn't supposed to be here, so this didn't make sense--  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
Struggling to focus, as his voice seemed to come from far, far away, Jane nonetheless detected concern. His frown was another dead giveaway that he could tell something was wrong, making alarm bells go off in Jane's head. As confused as she was, she knew he couldn't figure out what was happening here. She made an attempt to say something then, anything, but she felt like she was trapped in a nightmare, unable to move or speak. All she could bring herself to do was advert her gaze from Ian's, but when she did that, she regretted it immediately, as she couldn't help but notice two things.  
  
His shirt was misbuttoned.  
  
He was barefoot.  
  
Swallowing hard, gathering up every ounce of courage she had in her body, Jane raised her gaze and met his eyes once again. Knowing she had to speak, she cleared and her throat and said to him in a small, but luckily steady, voice, "Ah, I... just came to talk to Jacqueline about a story...". Trailing off, she hoped he wouldn't ask her to elaborate.  
  
"She's in the shower right now...", Ian started saying. When he turned his head towards the room, pushing the door further open with his hand, Jane could make out a pair of stilettos thrown haphazardly on the floor in front of the bed, along with a dark mass of bunched up clothing. Her mind conjuring up Jacqueline's dress immediately, Jane couldn't really focus on anything else he said after that.  
  
Her attention drifting in and out of the conversation, which was mostly a monologue at this point, Jane could only hope she was smiling and nodding in the right places as she half-heard Ian quipping about how young Jane was, how she was in Paris, of all cities in the world, and something else about "all work and no play". If he knew what she had been planning to do, what she'd been so sure in her gut she-- _they_ \-- would be doing right now--  
  
_He wasn't supposed to be here._  
  
"Anyway," he continued, distracting Jane from her current train of thought, "I'll be sure to tell Jackie to look for you once she gets out--"  
  
"No!" she quickly interrupted, looking at him with wide eyes, his own widening in response. "There's no need, it's uh-- it's nothing... important," she managed, eyebrows furrowed, working hard to swallow and speak without her voice cracking. Her throat hurt like she'd swallowed glass. _Keep it together_ , she told herself. Just for a little longer. "I'll catch up with her when we're home."  
  
The last thing she wanted to do right now was look at Jacqueline's face. Hear her voice. She didn't know a whole lot but she knew this much - she wouldn't be able to deal.  
  
"Are you sure you're alright?", Ian asked, still appearing somewhat confused and hesitant. Shit, she needed to do a better job selling this. Of convincing him that she was fine. That everything was fine.  
  
"Yes. In fact, don't even tell her I was here--" Jane said with a self-derisive eye roll, shaking her head as if she'd realized her going there had been a silly, silly idea. She repeated, "It's not important."  
  
It's really not important.  
  
She'd gotten it all wrong.  
  
"Okay. As long as you're sure," he repeated, and when Jane managed a small smile in return, he was finally - mercifully -, satisfied with her answer. "Goodnight, then," he said, smiling at Jane, who turned on her heel and started making her way down the hallway as sedately as possible.  
  
As soon she heard the door to the room closing, she leaned against the nearest wall with her shoulder, bending over. The tears she had fought throughout their entire conversation started spilling down her cheeks, unrestrained now, and she did her best to muffle the sounds she was making by covering her mouth with her hand.  
  
_How could she have gotten it so wrong?_

 

* * *

   
Jane had been sitting on the edge of her bed, her hands in her lap when she heard the door opening. She could see Sutton's eyes widening in excitement when she noticed Jane was there, her mouth opening to ask her how it'd gone with Jacqueline, no doubt, but closing right away. Jane hadn't looked in a mirror but she figured she looked quite the sight - her eyes felt swollen and scratchy, her lips dry, and who knows what state her hair was in by now. She knew her friend wouldn't have any trouble figuring out something was wrong immediately.

"Jane?" Sutton asked in a worried voice as she carefully approached her, coming to a halt in front of the bed and crouching down to look at her face.  
  
Jane was seeing everything that was happening but her mind was a thousand miles away. She could only sit there and watch as her friend didn't wait for a reply before pulling out her phone to call Kat, her worried eyes not leaving her face as she told her to come to their room stat. Disconnecting the call, she sat down on the floor in front of her, putting a hand on her knee in a comforting gesture.  
  
A couple of minutes had passed when someone knocked on the door, and Sutton got up to answer. Jane could hear whispering, and then her two best friends emerged, looking at her with concerned looks on their faces.  
  
"What happened?" finally asked Sutton, as she and Kat sat down on either side of Jane on the bed. She flopped backwards, and found herself staring at the ceiling.  
  
Sutton and Kat followed suit, turning on their sides to face her.  
  
"Talk to us," pleaded Sutton, twirling a strand of Jane's hair, which had come undone from her bun. On her other side, Kat rubbed her arm in a comforting motion.

"He's here," Jane managed, her voice hoarse from lack of use and all the crying she'd done earlier, and she cleared her throat. "Ian is here."  
  
"What! Fuck," exclaimed Kat.  
  
"He's not supposed to be here," said Sutton indignantly, echoing Jane's thoughts earlier.  
  
"How did you find out?", asked Kat.  
  
She'd been so happy when she made her decision... that couldn't have been more than an hour or two ago, and yet it felt like ages ago.

_"Come find me later."_

The knot in her throat came back and her chest hurt just thinking about what had just happened. "I went up to her room. I actually went-- I was gonna tell her. I was going to tell her and he opened the door instead..."  
  
"I'm so sorry," said Kat.  
  
Hot tears started coming out then, tickling Jane's cheeks and ears and surprising her, who thought she had no more tears left by now. "I can't talk about it."  
  
She could then feel both her friends wrapping an arm around her middle, holding her in silence as she cried for the second time that night.

 

* * *

  
Sometime after she'd stopped crying, Kat and Sutton helped Jane out of her dress and into a t-shirt, marched her into the bathroom and then into bed. She obeyed mechanically, knowing logically that she needed the rest, even if she knew none would come by that night. Kat went to her room at some point, but then she was back, and nothing was discussed as she and Sutton also got ready for the night and into bed with her.

Jane couldn't remember falling asleep, as her bad dreams were nothing but a repeat of her waking thoughts. She figured she must have dozed off at some point though, because, next thing she knew, Sutton was snoring beside her, when before she'd been on her phone. On her other side, she could feel Kat was still awake, her eyelashes tickling the skin of her arm.

She took the opportunity to bring up something that had almost caused her to pack her bags and go straight to the airport a few hours earlier, right after her conversation with Ian.  
  
"I don't want to see her tomorrow," Jane whispered, trying not to wake Sutton up.  
  
"Hmmm?", a groggy Kat replied, raising her face up a bit so she was looking at Jane.  
  
"Our flight... I know she is flying out tomorrow, but I don't know the exact time, and I don't want to risk seeing her..." she explained.  
  
"We'll find out, don't worry. If her flight is close in time, we'll change ours."  
  
"Thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I mentioned in a previous A/N this thing was getting kinda 'plotty' - and it is. It's also messy, emotional and complicated, but hopefully, I'll have things unfold in an entertaining way. I hope you guys stay on this ride.


	20. Forget Paris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath.

The first days following Paris went by in a blur.

As soon as they got home, Jane retreated to her room. She didn't know much, but she knew she needed time - time to process things, sort out her feelings, and reset her mind and her heart. Jane also knew that she had to be away from Scarlet - and _Jacqueline_ \- in order to do that, so she decided the best course of action would be to take advantage of her unused sick days. Firing off a quick e-mail to her boss and HR, she simply informed them that she wouldn't be in on what was supposed to be her first day back after Fashion Week. Then she turned off her computer and put her phone on silent.

Messing with her phone, however, meant seeing, once again, the text she'd received from Jacqueline in Paris, and that she first saw when she'd been crying all alone in her hotel room following her conversation with Ian.

_"I'm sorry, I just got your text. I was in the shower. We can talk tomorrow."_

Jacqueline's words transported Jane straight back to that hotel hallway and to the sight of the woman's shoes and dress on the floor of her room, and she fell apart all over again. The days that followed saw her crying in her bed or roaming her small apartment in a zombie-like state, with nothing but her obsessive and depressive thoughts to keep her company.

Then on her fourth day back, Jane couldn't really say what or why, something inside of her changed. When she'd woken up from a fitful sleep early that morning, and stared at her window watching the change in light as the sun came up, thoughts of Jacqueline, Ian and that night no longer made her cry. She felt... empty - thoroughly and blissfully empty. While Jane knew, logically, that that was not a good thing, it was also a huge relief, a welcome change from the sharp, oppressive pain in her chest and unrelenting thoughts that had been tormenting her since Paris.

Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, after Sutton left for work, Jane decided to take full advantage of her newfound state of mind. In an effort to sustain it for as long as possible, she distracted herself by cleaning her place top to bottom, and followed it with a long, hot shower. Then she put on fresh clothes and left home for the first time since landing in NY to pick up her dry cleaning and go grocery shopping. When all was said and done, Jane was happy to discover that she was pleasantly tired, and that her errands had taken up most of her day.

Changing into sweats and dusting off an old mp3 player of hers (her phone purposefully ignored in her bedside drawer), she made her way outside once again.

* * *

 

Jane had been "stooping it" when Sutton got home from work that evening.

"Welcome home, honey," Jane said in greeting, removing her earbuds. "How was your day?"

She noticed Sutton perking up at her stupid joke - one of the first signs she had given her friend that she was back to normal, or as close to it as she could be after only a few days. "It was fine, thanks for asking," the blonde replied with a bright smile, and then sat down on the steps next to Jane.

"I did have an interesting conversation with Jacqueline today..." she said carefully, giving Jane a nervous sideways glance. Sutton and Kat hadn't so much as brought up Jacqueline's name since Paris, giving their friend the space she needed.

When Jane said nothing in reply and kept looking straight ahead, Sutton continued, "She summoned me into her office and asked me how you were. She explained that she's tried to contact you, repeatedly, but that you weren't replying to her messages or answering her calls. So I said you weren't feeling well enough to answer your phone, which..." Sutton said with a chuckle, "in retrospect, was a _bad_ idea, because it made her even more worried that she was in the first place..."

As Jane kept quiet, the blonde kept talking, getting more agitated by the second, "So I had to sort of backtrack, and say you weren't feeling _that_  bad, just the kind of bad that keeps someone from... pushing a button to answer a call, or type a few words on a screen, I guess? Which makes no sense, _I_ _know_ , so, if I'm being honest, I don't think I did a stellar job... handling that whole... situation..."

Jane looked down at her feet then. Sutton finished her rant with a sigh. "So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, unless you want Jacqueline to do something drastic like show up here or send in the National Guard, I suggest you send her a quick text to let her know you're ok."

As Jane had yet to open her mouth and was lost in her own world, Sutton finally pleaded, "Please say something, you're making me nervous."

"It doesn't matter. I'm going back tomorrow," she finally said in a flat tone, hugging her knees.

"You are?" Sutton asked, managing to sound surprised, relieved and concerned, all at once.

"Yeah."

"How do you feel about it?"

Jane was quiet for a long time, and then she said, with conviction--

"I feel fine." 

She could feel Sutton staring at her like she had two heads, and then heard her saying, "I don't understand..."

Jane didn't know how to even begin to explain it.

She'd taken advantage of her clear head that day to look at her situation from a logical standpoint. Going through everything that happened between her and Jacqueline in the last few months, since she had gotten her job back, left her more confused than ever.

But when she went further back, things made more sense. Jane remembered Jacqueline and Ian's impromptu anniversary dinner in her office. Remembered their intimate and comfortable interaction in their home, when she'd been over for dinner. Remembered all the pictures of their family on display in Jacqueline's office. Nothing was more important to her than them.

It wasn't that Jane had gotten it all wrong, as she, in her shock, had initially thought.

It's just that, in the end, there had been no contest.

And if Jane felt anything right now, it was naive - if she was being kind -, or stupid - if she was being less generous -, for having allowed herself to think differently in the first place.

But as painful as grieving the loss of hope of a future with Jacqueline was, she found some comfort in clarity.

"She's my boss."

_"What I am... is your boss."_

"My mentor."

 _"Jacqueline was not only the subject of this very difficult piece_ , _she was also my_ _editor, and my mentor. She pushed me to dig deeper even when it was too painful."_

"And those things mean a great deal to me. I just need to get back to that place and I'll be fine."

Jane's words to Sutton, while true, also showed a clinical sort of detachment that, deep down, she didn't actually feel, but she figured she needed to start protecting her heart. And in order to do that, she had to ignore it, and listen to her head instead. _Fake it till you make it_ at its finest.

Sutton started shaking her head, making it clear she disagreed and had something to say on the subject, but at Jane's unwavering stare, she backed down.

"It's going to be fine," Jane repeated.

Looking at her in a way that said she wasn't buying it, but respected her wishes not to push, Sutton sighed. They stayed there sitting in silence for a little while, before the blonde got up and asked, "So. What do you say we grab some dinner, my dear?"

* * *

 

"Jane, Jacqueline wants to see you in her office," Andrew said, poking his head in the fashion closet where she'd been hiding out with Sutton and Kat.

Nodding at Andrew, Jane waited until he was gone and turned to her friends, who gave her small but supportive smiles. She actually felt a little nauseous, but swallowed hard and took a deep breath before getting up on slightly shaky legs. She knew this moment was coming, and she just had to get through with it.

Jane had been about to enter Jacqueline's office when she noticed her boss had company. But before she could use that excuse to turn around and go to her desk, both of the room's occupants raised their heads and noticed her standing there.

"If this is a bad time...", she started saying.

"Ah, Jane! No, no, come in," Jacqueline said, ushering her in with an energetic wave of her hand. "Thanks, Stephanie, that will be all."

Jane waited until her colleague was out the door before taking a seat on the chair in front of her boss' desk.

"Andrew said you wanted to see me?" Her stomach was definitely upset with her right now and Jane just hoped that she wouldn't throw up - that would be the proverbial cherry on top of a craptastic sundae.

"I did. I _do_. I'm happy to see you - how are you feeling?"

"Good. All better." Jane managed a small smile as she said that. "I'm sorry for not... getting back to you, I didn't mean to make you worry."

"Of course, I know you weren't feeling up to it. I'm still not clear on what was wrong with you though-- Kat said something about food poisoning, then Sutton mentioned you had the flu..."

Internally rolling her eyes at her friends for not keeping their stories straight, and also wondering if her current symptoms weren't karma biting her in the ass for her lies, Jane was quick on her feet and said, "It was a stomach flu - probably one of those... airport bugs. But I'm all better now."

"Are you sure? You look a little pale."

Jane thought she'd been strong enough for this. That she'd be able to handle this side of Jacqueline - this version of the woman that showed so much concern for Jane, that was so full of warmth, that... _cared_ so much.

_"I do care. Probably more than I should."_

But what she was quickly discovering was that she really, _really_ wasn't.

"Yes, I'm alright," Jane said with a nod and another queasy smile. At this point, she'd already had more than she could handle for one day and was ready to leave. "I know you're busy, so I don't--"

"Jane, are--"

"I'm positive," she said, not giving Jacqueline time to finish her words before speaking. Jane didn't mean to sound so curt and impatient, but she couldn't help but remember her conversation with Ian just then, when she'd been forced to act like nothing was wrong when her heart had just broken into tiny pieces in her chest. And thoughts of her husband and that night weren't helping any right now.

Neither was having to pretend like she was fine, _again_ , when, really, she'd barely gotten through the worst of it. Or so she'd thought, before entering this office, seeing Jacqueline and hearing her voice. The pain she'd felt after that night in Paris, which had, at some point, turned into numbness, changed yet again, this time into an acute sense of loss.

So much for finding comfort in clarity.

Jacqueline narrowed her eyes. Jane could see the wheels turning in her head, but all she did was nod, pensively. Recognizing her chance, Jane got up. She was almost at the door when she heard her say, sounding soft and apologetic--

"You wanted to talk to me... in Paris. We didn't get a chance to do that."

Jane turned around to look at Jacqueline then, a small, wistful smile on her face. "It's okay."

"We can schedule something later--"

"There's no need." As Jacqueline kept looking at her she explained. "The reason for that conversation no longer exists."

If Jane detected disappointment in Jacqueline's expression, she didn't trust herself anymore to believe it.

* * *

 

That night, Jane had been vegging out on her couch with Sutton, her head resting on a pillow in the blonde's lap, as they watched a random rerun of _Cupcake Wars_ on tv.

Jane was doing her best to focus on the screen, and on Sutton's scathing running commentary on the show's contestants, which never failed to make her laugh, but she kept seeing Jacqueline's face before she left her office that morning. Not even the two glasses of wine she'd had that evening were helping in that regard.

"Explain to me how people that do this for a living think it's a good idea to turn up the oven to bake faster-- it's just going to make your cupcakes dry, Emeraude!" 

Jane let out a small chuckle, but she was distracted.

"Ugh. We shouldn't have picked this to watch, now I want something chocolaty and we don't have anything," complained Sutton, as they watched the two teams race against the clock to complete the show's final challenge.

A few seconds later, Sutton's arms, which had been resting on Jane's upper body, started shaking. At first, she thought it was because Jane was laughing, either at her whining about wanting cupcakes or the television, but then...

"No, no, it's ok, we can Postmate something, don't cry..." the blonde started, and this time Jane did laugh, even as she continued sobbing.

"Oh, sweetie..."

"It wasn't fine," Jane explained in between sobs, as Sutton draped her body over hers and hugged her tight. "I'm not fine."


	21. Something wicked this way comes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A.P. stands for After Paris.

If Jane's first day back after Fashion Week taught her - or rather, reminded her of - anything was that grief is not a linear process. That she had been quite naive (and/or stupid) to think that she could just... go back to before. And when she thought about _before_ , and about the moment when things changed, Jane went straight back to a certain night at a particular bar, which had followed yet another first day of sorts - she had just gotten her job back at Scarlet then and had had a miserable first day back. That night Jane had been all alone, drinking her weight in alcohol, wallowing in her misery, when _she_ showed up, and nothing was the same after that.

First days could go straight to hell as far as she was concerned.

There was a romantic, poetic side of hers that wanted to return to that same bar and drown her sorrows in whiskey sours yet again - there would be a beautiful sort of symmetry to it, bringing things full circle, but she quickly dismissed that idea. The definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. If she was being honest with herself, more than poetry or symmetry or full circles, what she really wanted was for Jacqueline to miraculously waltz in, just like she did that night. And if Jane had any hopes of climbing out of the emotional hellhole she found herself in and move on with her life, she needed to do things, and go about things, differently.

So it was that Day 6 A.P. (After Paris) and the ones that immediately followed it saw a shift in Jane's behavior and general attitude. She decided to focus on Scarlet Magazine, on the broader aspects of the place and job she loved so much, and on the version of Jacqueline (boss-slash-mentor) that was hers to have. If Jane felt a pang in her chest whenever she saw the woman or heard her voice unexpectedly, not having had time to brace herself for impact; if she somehow found herself staring after her when she entered or left the room, purely on instinct; if she missed those late night conversations in her office so much she had trouble falling asleep at the end of a long day, then well...

It wasn't a linear process, she'd remind herself. And old habits were hard to break.

She was relieved to note that her first pitch meeting back wasn't as difficult as that first one-on-one encounter in Jacqueline's office had been. Focusing on the work, on her writing, helped a lot in that sense. So did her colleagues - sitting next to Alex, joking around and simply talking to him made things just that bit easier. Of course, inadvertently meeting Jacqueline's eyes right before leaving the room had proven to be a setback of sorts, the flutter of her heart an automatic, unwanted response, but she just smiled at the woman and swallowed the lump in her throat before quickly retreating to her desk.

If that night she managed to fall asleep after three glasses of wine only to dream about the warm smile she'd received in response, and wake up with tears in her eyes, then well...

Tiny steps.

* * *

 

She was just getting back in the groove of things. Things were looking up. Things were getting better. And Jane was feeling pretty... okay.

_Ish._

Most of the time.

On Day 9 A.P., she found herself alone with Jacqueline in her office again - her second time since coming back. As she took her seat, Jane held her breath and tried to prepare herself for questions about her physical well-being or even her state of mind, as her behavior had been anything but ordinary lately, but her boss, mercifully, avoided those and went straight to business. Jane listened carefully to what she had to say, jotted down her pointers on the story she had just started working on, and before she knew, it was over, and Jane was out the door.

Leaving her company had a bittersweet effect on Jane these days. There was a part of her - a big part - that was always relieved to go, as being around Jacqueline made her ache for what she knew she couldn't have. But the rest of her wanted to turn on her heel and go back to that office, sit on that chair - or better yet, on _their_ couch - and just talk to her again. She craved Jacqueline's company. She craved _Jacqueline_. It was the part that wanted to pretend Paris never happened and just go on deluding herself.  

While Jane had been looking down at her notepad as she took notes, she could feel Jacqueline's gaze on her like a caress, and being so connected and attuned to the woman's mind meant that Jane knew there was a whole lot she wanted to say and ask Jane but didn't. At some point, she wanted to actually have a talk with her, explain why she was different, why she-- why _they_ couldn't be the same again. She hoped to reach that stage eventually.

But Jane wasn't there yet, and she felt like she wouldn't be for a long time.

Baby steps.

* * *

 

**9:54 am**

Day 12 A.P. had started out like any other. Sitting at her desk, Jane clicked a stapler and watched the flurry of activity in the bullpen, as writers and assistants and all sorts of staff went about their business. She tried to focus her attention on her computer screen, but every couple of minutes, she'd find herself staring at the room again, as if trying to pinpoint the source of her... discomfort, for lack of a better word.

Everything looked the same, but something felt... off. She couldn't put her finger on it.

"Earth to Sloan!"

Alex's voice managed to draw Jane out of her reverie. "I'm sorry," she said with a shake of her head, turning in her chair to face him.

"I said your name like three times," he explained. "What's going on?"

"Something is different - what's different?" Jane asked with a sigh, a frown on her face.

Alex looked around, confused, before saying, "I'm not sure what you mean."

Just then Sutton showed up and sat on the edge of Jane's desk, crossing her arms, and announced with a frown of her own, "Oliver just left for a meeting upstairs."

Feeling the blonde's vibe seemed to match Jane's, Alex asked, "What's so strange about that? The boss heads love meetings."

"It wasn't on the schedule, for starters. The regular staff meeting isn't until next week. We had to postpone a photo shoot so he could attend."

"Kat just texted, she's upstairs as well," Jane said, staring at her phone.

Sutton left to go back to her office then, shaking her head, and Alex turned back to his computer, not at all bothered. Jane tried to work on the article she was writing but wasn't able to focus. Looking at her open notepad, she lightly caressed the pages with two fingertips, her mind on the woman whose thoughts she'd so carefully written down a few days before. With a sigh, she closed the pad and stretched her arms, resting them on top of her head, as she looked around the room again.

"Andrew!", she called out when she saw him get up from his desk a little while later, getting up herself and making her to him. "Is Jacqueline at the meeting upstairs?"

"There's a meeting upstairs? What kind of meeting?" he asked, clearly taken aback. At Jane's "I don't know" shrug he simply said, "She's not in yet," shook his head and then left. She turned to look at Alex, who had been watching the scene and just opened his arms in a universal "what's going on" gesture.

Jane didn't know what was going on, but something was definitely up.

* * *

 

**10:37 am**

_"911 - Meet me in the fashion closet, be there in 10."_

Kat's text in the group chat made Jane get up so quickly from her chair it rolled from under her and hit the cabinets behind her with a loud thud.

Before she could move or acknowledge the startled looks she received from her colleagues, Sutton appeared in her line of sight, shooting Jane a worried glance of her own and nodding towards the fashion closet. Jane started to make her way over to the blonde, and before she knew, Alex was walking next to her. "Okay, what's happening here - you guys are acting crazy--"

Whatever Alex had to say was interrupted by the elevator doors to their right opening, revealing a few executives and department heads, most notably Oliver and Lauren. The trio stopped dead on their tracks and watched as the higher-ups gathered in a circle, speaking quietly but urgently. Lauren was the first to part ways with the group and started making her way down the hall in a staccato rhythm, her poor assistant trailing behind and doing her best to catch up with her boss. When she finally got close, the girl attempted to hand her a cup of green juice, but Lauren slapped her hand away before turning the corner that led to her office.

"Whatever is happening, you know it's bad when Lauren turns down a green juice and looks pissed," remarked Jane.

"To be fair, it's Lauren, she always looks pissed..." countered Sutton, almost as an afterthought. She looked preoccupied. Then she turned to Jane.

"I think I--"

"Red, walk with me," they heard Oliver say as he passed them, a somber look on his face. Sutton's head snapped up and she looked in his direction, but then she turned to Jane and opened her mouth again.

"Red!" he repeated, impatiently. Jane mouthed to her friend, "Go, we'll talk later," lightly nudging her in Oliver's direction.

Sutton hurried after her boss, turning around to shoot Jane a final nervous look before they entered their office, the door closing behind them.

Jane and Alex didn't have a chance to comment on any of that, because, next, they saw Cleo and Richard exiting another elevator and making their way down the hall. Jane tried to make eye contact with Richard, but he just ignored her and marched straight ahead, until he and Cleo entered an empty conference room.

Sage approached Alex and Jane then, and asked, crossing her arms, "What are we looking at? Why are the suits here?"

"No idea," mumbled Alex, as they all looked into the glass walls and saw the two taking their seats.

"The Ministry is interfering at Hogwarts," stage-whispered Sage before she made her way back to her desk.

Nope, Jane didn't like this one bit...

* * *

 

 

**10:59 am**

Jane was ready to climb the walls of the fashion closet waiting for Kat to arrive.

 _"Where are you? What's going on?_ " she had typed in the group chat a few minutes earlier but was still waiting for her friend to respond. Now she was basically circling the futons doing figure 8's in order to burn off some of her nervous energy.

When Jane heard the door to the fashion closet opening she turned around immediately but was disappointed to find Sutton.

"I was beginning to think I'd never get away," the blonde said in a huff. She then looked around and asked, "Where's Kat?"

"Beats me!" said Jane, slapping her leg in frustration. "Did Oliver say anything about the meeting?"

"No, he didn't," replied Sutton. "I asked, but he deflected. He's in a lousy mood."

Then she got closer to where Jane was standing and added, "I also texted Richard to ask... but he didn't answer."

"I saw him with Cleo just now."

"Jane... I think I might know--" Sutton started saying, but was interrupted by the door opening and Kat entering the fashion closet.

She just looked between her friends for a long time, wringing her hands anxiously.

"Well?" asked Sutton, impatiently. "Please, we've had enough suspense, just out with it."

Jane could see her friend was trying to get her thoughts together, to find a way to say what she needed to say.

"Was she-- was Jacqueline at the meeting?" Jane asked then, in a small voice. She already knew in her gut the answer to that but needed to hear Kat say it.

"No," she said, a pained look on her face. "No, she wasn't."

"Because... she is not in yet," Jane said with a small laugh, that was all nerves. "That's not... normal. You know how early she gets in. And Andrew didn't know about the meeting, which... makes no sense because he knows... everything..."

"I think it happened last night," Kat finally began explaining. "And they told us this morning. They're... moving pretty quickly."

"Moving quickly with what?" Sutton asked, but Jane already knew. They all did.

"As of today, Jacqueline Carlyle is no longer Editor of Digital, or Editor-in-Chief of Scarlet Magazine."


	22. It just takes a second

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane's world comes crumbling down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens!
> 
> Song for this chapter is "Suggestions", by Orelia.

_It just takes a second for my world to come crumbling down_

  
_Oh I'm sure in the distance you can hear that awful sound_

 

* * *

 

**11:06 am**

When Jane "came to" after Kat's news, she had been sitting on one of the futons, her friends standing in front of her. Her ears were buzzing and her muscles felt like jelly - she briefly wondered then if her legs had threatened to give out from under her and that's why she'd ended up on the futon in the first place.

Kat crouched down until she was eye-level with Jane and said gently, "Look, I know it's hard but you have to keep your cool about this. It's need-to-know only right now, and if it gets out that I told you guys--"

"Why?" Jane managed to get out. That's all she could think about at that moment. _Why?_

"I don't know," said Kat. "I mean... the comment section debacle after the relaunch of digital probably cost her a few points, but we bounced back from that."

After a little while, she added with a small tilt of her head. "Sort of. I mean... our numbers aren't fantastic, but they're not that bad either. They couldn't have cost her her _job_ , not as Editor-in-Chief. As Editor of Digital, _maybe_..."

"It's not just that,” Jane said, shaking her head, as she recalled something else. “Remember that article in New York Magazine, right before comment section-gate?"

 _"Decline of the Celebrity Editor"_. Jane didn't even manage to get through the whole thing when Kat had shown it to her on her phone. It was a pile of garbage disguised as a thoughtful critique on the way Jacqueline ran Scarlet, where they basically accused her of not keeping up with the times.

"Yeah. But still," Kat said, standing up and approaching Sutton. The blonde had yet to say a word. Kat turned to shake her head at Jane. "I don't think--"

Something occurred to Jane just then, something that made her feel as though ice was running through her veins.

"My article," she mumbled.

As Kat and Sutton looked at her, she explained. "She published a story that basically attacked her employers..."

"Because _I asked her to._ "

"Don't go there, Jane,” Kat began saying, “Do we even know they were upset about that? It's been almost two weeks--"

"Yes, yes we do," interrupted Sutton, in a small voice. Once she had Jane and Kat's attention, she continued. "Richard got word they weren't happy with the article... in Paris."

"What!" said Kat.

"In fact... he got word they were interviewing candidates for her position."

Jane stared at her in shock.

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you...” Sutton tried then, a pained look on her face.

Jane was hearing but it was like she was having trouble understanding her. “Wait. When did you find out?”

”The night of the Scarlet party. After you left to talk to Jacqueline at the hotel.” Kat closed her eyes at that, as Jane stared at her without blinking. “I noticed he seemed preoccupied, so I asked him what was going on...”

As Jane just kept looking at her, her face blank, Sutton finally asked in a supplicating voice, “Please say something.”

”You’ve known since Paris.” Jane stated those words without a trace of emotion.

 "Yes."

Then something clicked.

And she snapped.

"You've known... _since Paris."_

* * *

 

**5:32 pm**

"I can't believe you didn't tell me!" fired off Jane as she stormed into her apartment, throwing her bag in the general direction of the couch, not caring when it missed and hit the floor in front of it with a loud thud.

Sitting at her desk for an entire afternoon while pretending nothing was wrong was one of the hardest things Jane had had to do since she began working at Scarlet. If not for Kat, she didn't think she'd have been able to get through that day, not when she knew what had happened to Jacqueline. And not when she knew what Sutton had done - or rather, what she _hadn't._  

"And I can't believe you're making this a 'sisters before misters' thing. We're all adults here, Jane," a frustrated Sutton said in reply, hot on her heels, carefully laying down her own coat and bag on the couch before coming to stand in front of Jane. 

"Oh, so now I'm being immature. Forgive me for being a bit shocked by learning where your loyalties really lie--"

"My loyalties?!", Sutton replied, clearly taken aback. 

Kat, who had been dragging her feet behind her two friends, took that as her cue to butt in. "You know, I think we should all just take a deep breath--", she started saying but was cut off by Jane.

"All it took was for Richard to snap his fingers and you ran back to him and forgot--"

"Come on now, guys..." Kat tried, only to be ignored once again. Taking a seat on the couch and laying back, she closed her eyes in defeat.

"His job was on the line, Jane, the board trusted--"

"It was _Jacqueline_ 's job on the line, in case you haven't been paying attention, hence her loss of said job!" retorted Jane, eyes ablaze.

Sutton then tried to explain, in a calm voice, "Nothing would have been different if I'd told you what he told me the night of the party. They'd already decided to replace her. It was a done deal."

"You don't know that! If I had known in Paris, I'd have told her to take down the article. Hell, push came to shove, I would've offered my resignation."

"She wouldn't have accepted it, Jane."

"You don't know that, that's the whole point!" countered Jane, hot tears of frustration streaming down her face now, and she angrily wiped them away. "I would have _tried_ , Sutton. I would have tried to make this right."

Sutton, who was standing in the middle of the room hugging herself, stared at her feet as she listened to Jane, before raising her gaze and looking her right in the eye. "When exactly was I supposed to have told you, Jane? When you were crying your eyes out because you'd seen Ian in Jacqueline's room? Sometime during the night, which you spent mostly awake, tossing and turning in bed, you were so heartsick?"

Jane started shaking her head, but Sutton continued.

"I was going to tell you as soon as we landed, but you were having such a hard time-- I thought I had time, and I was waiting for the right moment--"

"All I know is that you robbed me of the chance to do whatever I could to fix things. And now it's too late."

Sutton nodded, rubbing her arms in a self-soothing gesture. "You're my friend and I love you. We're not getting anywhere so I think we should table this conversation for now," she said in a final tone, grabbing her coat and her bag from the couch and making her way towards the door.

"Say hi to Richard for me," Jane said, venom seeping from her words.

Sutton flinched before leaving the apartment and slamming the door shut.

* * *

 

**8:37 pm**

Jane was sitting on her front stoop, hugging her knees, deep in thought. Kat had left not long after Sutton, which was probably for the best, as she didn't want to lose her temper and snap at her other friend, who had had nothing to do with this mess of a situation.

Just as Jane was beginning to wonder if she should go back inside, as she was beginning to lose sensation on her fingers, she saw a silhouette in the distance, making its way towards her. It wasn't long before she was able to make out who it was.

"I come in peace," he announced as he got closer, hands in the air, coming to a halt in front of Jane. When she didn't say anything, he explained, "Sutton asked me to pick up some things for her, she's spending the night at my place."

With a nod towards the door, Jane finally asked, in a flat tone, "You have her key?"

Frowning but assenting with a nod of his own, Richard started climbing up the steps, bypassing Jane. Hesitating after reaching the top step, holding the key to open the door in his hand, he lowered his head and, with a sigh, climbed back down to stand in front of her once again.

"She is really hurt, you know", he said, shoving his hands in his coat pockets.

"Yeah, well..." Jane trailed off, looking away. Her anger had mostly evaporated by now, leaving her deflated like a balloon, but if there was one feeling that she hadn't shaken off yet was the hurt she was feeling.

"I asked her not to say anything. I shouldn't have told her about that e-mail in the first place. I didn't think...", he hesitated, rubbing his face with a hand, before asking Jane if he could take a seat next to her.

When she nodded once in the affirmative, he sat next to her and continued. "We'd just gotten back together and I vented to her about some bad news at work. If I had known--"

"She should've told me," interrupted Jane in a quiet voice.

"She was doing what I asked. There was nothing anyone could've done about what happened to Jacqueline, the wheels were already in motion--"

"I heard that argument from Sutton, we're just gonna have to agree to disagree. And regardless...", Jane said, her voice cracking slightly. "She's my best friend. She should have told me."

"She wanted to, Jane," an exasperated Richard said.

"And you--" Jane added as if she hadn't heard him, asking something that she had been wondering since Sutton told her the truth. "Why didn't you say or do anything when you found out? I thought you were her friend."

Richard clenched his jaw. He finally said, not unkindly, "There's a lot you don't know. It's not that simple."

"I'm sure it's not, but it's all I have to go on."

After another stretch of silence, he said, "Why do you think they let me know when we were all in Paris?"

At that Jane turned to look at him.

"Everyone in the board knows Jacqueline and I are friends. They were testing me. To see where my loyalties really lie."

Ignoring the pang in her chest at Richard's words, which reminded Jane all too well of what she'd accused Sutton of during their fight earlier that day, she said, "So... if I were to have done anything, like say, have Jacqueline pull the article while we were in Paris--"

"... it might have tipped them off, yes. And then it'd probably be two people instead of one looking for a new job."

Jane was shivering now, if from the cold or the sobering, harsh truths she was hearing, she couldn't say. She was so distracted she didn't even notice Richard taking off his overcoat until she felt the fabric covering her shoulders and back, warming her instantly. Jane mumbled her thanks as she tugged the coat close to her with one hand, but remained silent otherwise, still processing what she'd heard.

"Jacqueline wouldn't have wanted that," she said after a long while.

"Are you kidding, she would have smacked me upside the head if I'd gotten myself fired."

Jane smiled at the mental picture, which by now was easy to reconcile with the woman, who was normally so poised and in control during trying times, but was also very warm and fiercely protective of those she cared about.

Then again, Richard knew this other side of Jacqueline's a lot better than Jane. Jane who'd just begun to come to terms with the fact she'd never get to really know that particular version of the woman, and now would have to say goodbye to the one and only version she thought she'd still have for a long time.

It hadn't fully hit her, not yet, and she was in no rush to get to that place.

"Have you heard from her?" asked Jane.

"She has a lot going on right now, both in her professional and personal life. I'm trying to give her some time."

"Personal life?", Jane asked automatically.

When he said nothing, Jane rolled her eyes and turned her head away once again. "Never mind."

Staring at Jane's profile, Richard opened his mouth to say something before changing his mind and closing it. Sensing his eyes on her, she asked, "What?"

"Forget it. The less I know, the better. Things are complicated enough for all of us already."

"You can say that again," she replied with a dry chuckle. Finally thinking somewhat clearly after the whirlwind of emotions she'd experienced in the last few hours, Jane contemplated the fact Richard was in a very awkward position. A board member and personal friends with Jacqueline, not to mention dating Sutton who, in addition to being under him in the hierarchy, was roommates with Jane, who, in turn - and bringing this mess full circle -, had played a very large part in Jacqueline's firing by the board.

"So," he said getting up from his spot next to Jane and looking at the door before training his gaze on her. "About the sad blonde I have home. If I were to send her your way do you think she'd become more or less... weepy?"

"Less," said Jane, properly chastised, as she removed Richard's coat and returned it to him. "Scout's honor."

"Good," he said, shrugging back into it, and waving goodbye with a shy smirk before turning to leave.

Turning back around, he looked at Jane, who was back to hugging her knees, looking at her feet. Hesitating once again, he finally said. "I wouldn't worry too much about Jacqueline."

Looking up at him, she waited expectantly.

"I'm just saying. The writing has been on the wall for a while. What happened was no surprise. And if there's one thing you can count on when it comes to Jacqueline Carlyle is that she always has a Plan B up her sleeve."

Jane couldn't help but perk up at that, sitting up straighter, her chest filling with hope.

"She always lands on her feet," he added with a small smile, before turning around and leaving for real. Jane stared after him until he disappeared from sight.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to update, I hope y'all are still interested in this story.

Jane had been sitting at her kitchen table, her hands wrapped around a cup of tea that had long gone cold. Richard had indicated to her Sutton would be coming home that evening, and Jane didn't want to go to bed without talking to her friend first.

Soon enough, she heard the sound of the front door opening. She didn’t have to wait long for Sutton to appear.

“Hey,” the blonde greeted her hesitantly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She looked nervous - probably as nervous as Jane felt, not knowing where they stood with each other.

“Hey.”

They just looked at each other, neither knowing what to say.

“I’m sorry,” they both blurted out in unison, and then shared an amused chuckle.

“No,” Jane started, shaking her head, as Sutton finally approached her and sat across from her at the table. “I should never have said those things to you. I— I didn’t mean them—“

“But I should’ve told you,” Sutton interrupted. “I’ve been thinking and… it never felt right to keep that information from you. I should've found a way.”

“I wish you’d have told me, but you were looking out for me. I appreciate that.”

Sutton smiled and covered Jane’s hand on the table with her own. The simple, comforting gesture brought back memories for Jane, memories of Jacqueline, and she felt a knot form in her throat.

“I just… panicked,” Jane confessed. “I cost her her job, Sutton.”

“No, Jane… it’s more complicated than that.“

“If I wasn’t so selfish, thinking only of what that publishing that article could get me—“

“It was Jacqueline’s choice to run it."

“But she didn’t want to. She hesitated, hell, she told me no. But I didn’t listen, and I pushed…”

That’s the part that got Jane the most. She had been so worried about herself she didn’t stop to think why Jacqueline didn’t want to run her story in the first place. She didn’t consider what it could cost her to run it.

_And now it was too late._

“She knew better than anyone what could happen if she published that story. She did it anyway. Because she felt it was worth it.”

“But she lost her job—“

“Then she felt it was worth more than her job.”

Jane buried her face in her hands.

“Think about it, what if your article forces the board’s hand and they change Safford policy on female healthcare coverage? This is bigger than you, Jane. Bigger than Jacqueline, even. It could change other women’s lives.”

 _Nothing is more important than the story_. Jacqueline taught Jane that.

“You have to talk to her.”

Jane knew Sutton was right. There was so much unsaid, hanging in the air, she felt like she was suffocating. It was different before, when Jane thought she could deal with her feelings in her own sweet time until she was ready to let them out in the open and let the chips fall where they may. That’s when she thought Jacqueline would always be there…

She had officially run out of time.

“Call her.”

Jane had been staring at her phone since she got home that day. There was a part of her that was waiting for Jacqueline to call or text her, taking the decision out of her hands. But she hadn’t, not yet anyway.

Taking a deep breath, Jane unlocked her screen.

* * *

 

"So. You were sacked."

Opening one eye, and then the other, Jacqueline realized that she wasn't imagining things and that her friend was actually there, in the flesh, looking at her in a way that was both accusatory and sympathetic.

Jacqueline had questions. She figured she'd start with the basics. "How... did you get here?"

"Your husband let me in, of course," Adele offered, unceremoniously throwing her coat and bag on the empty lounge chair next to Jacqueline before making her way to the liquor cart. Jacqueline didn't think she'd ever get over the urge to cringe whenever she'd see Adele mistreating her expensive designer items like that. "What, did you think I'd just flown into your balcony, Mary Poppins-style?"

 _Ok, one question down._ "Well, I don't see an umbrella anywhere," Jacqueline quipped, earning a chuckle from Adele.

"Ian left with the boys, by the way, said something about a movie," Adele informed her, moving her things to the floor (Jacqueline actually cringed this time) so she could sit on the chair. Legs to the side, she faced Jacqueline, still stretched out on her own lounge chair in a semi-awake state.

"Probably a good idea," Jacqueline muttered, stretching her limbs. Retrieving her glass on the floor next to her, she got up and made her way to the cart.

"Looks like I have some catching up to do here," Adele said, raising her glass before taking a sip.

"Yup."

"What happened?"

Sighing, Jacqueline sat down again, mirroring Adele's position, her glass dangling from between her legs. "I... got sacked," she said, parroting Adele's words back to her, the British slang sounding strange in her American accent. Time for question number two. "How did you find out? It happened less than 24 hours ago."

Adele shot her a look, effectively chastising her for being surprised. "I ran into Edina at the club - Irv's wife. Bloody cow..."

Jacqueline burst out laughing. "Good friend of yours, I see."

"God, no," Adele said, shaking her head and downing her whiskey. "Anywhoo, we'd barely greeted each other when she tilted her head and said, all doom and gloom, 'So sorry to hear about Jackie'. I had no idea what had happened, so I panicked, of course, only for her to say, 'Oh, dear, didn't you hear? She's no longer at Scarlet.'"

Jacqueline grimaced in sympathy. "Considering the scenarios my brain conjured up, each one worse than the next, none of which I'll repeat here, I was actually relieved."

"It was... a culmination of things," Jacqueline clarified, not making Adele repeat the question. "The last of which was an article I decided to publish that... ruffled some feathers on the board. Dear old Irv's included."

"Let me take a stab at it and guess it was that piece on the dot com about Safford's healthcare not covering female reproductive issues."

"That's the one."

"It was a good piece. An important piece," Adele let her know, pointing with her glass for emphasis.

"Yes, yes it was," Jacqueline agreed, nodding. "I have no regrets."

Taking comfort in the fact her job had always had an expiration date attached, even if said day had come earlier than she'd initially anticipated, Jacqueline thought of Jane and what publishing her story meant. Any chance of doing away with old fashioned, discriminatory practices in the workplace was a chance worth taking, consequences be damned. She knew Safford was now in damage control mode, as Jane's piece was gaining traction online, and a little bird had let her know policy changes in regards to the group's healthcare coverage had already been decided on and on the verge of being implemented. Real change was on the horizon - and that mattered to Jacqueline way more than her job title.

"And let's look on the bright side here-- you've always complained you didn't have time to go visit me, and now you have all the time in the world!"

Jacqueline let out a chuckle, as she sipped her whiskey and listened to her friend's comical attempts at cheering her up. Adele's abilities were pretty much unparalleled in that regard, she could always make Jacqueline laugh, but her old mentor had her job cut out for her this time.

Stretching out comfortably on her chaise lounge once again, feet bare, Jacqueline tried her best to relax. The late afternoon breeze and city lights, combined with the alcohol warming her blood, not to mention the company, were doing a decent job of numbing her, even if they didn't completely drown out the voices in her head.

"Editors-in-chief come and go, like rain or snow..." Adele pondered, sipping her drink, her body angled towards Jacqueline's as she too moved to stretch out on the chaise next to her. "And you had almost ten years as Editor-in-Chief. That's a pretty good run."

"I know..." Jacqueline agreed with a sigh, tilting her head back.

There were a couple of loose threads in the events leading up to her dismissal, however, which Jacqueline was making a conscious decision not to tug on for the time being - not when she didn't know what she would end up unraveling. Still, her mind was buzzing, her brain feverishly working on the background, and she was doing her best to drown it out with generous amounts of whiskey and a little help from an old friend. And the thought of getting away from New York for a while sounded very appealing indeed.

"So, for this visit," Jacqueline said. "Should I expect endless card games and long walks in the garden?"

Nodding, Adele said, "I told you before-- straight out of Jane Austen."

She soon amended, "But don't forget the booze."

* * *

 

"This last story you published", she heard Adele say in an inquisitive tone, after a long stretch of silence. Laying back against the chair, more than a little tipsy by now, Jacqueline tilted her head in her direction to indicate to Adele she was listening.

"I couldn't help but notice it's by the same writer responsible for the 'Carry the Weight' piece... one miss Jane Sloan."

"Yes..." Jacqueline said in response, wide awake now. Taking a deep breath, she opened her eyes, giving Adele her full attention, just waiting for her to ask--

"Is this her?"

"Yes."

"Hmmm," mumbled Adele, nodding, eyes crinkling, before adding matter-of-factly, "She's good."

"Yes, she is," Jacqueline said, going for nonchalant but letting out a smirk that betrayed feelings of pride and validation. She didn't need it, but it felt nice to have her old mentor's seal of approval nonetheless. It made her both happy and sad for what she'd lost.

"I should've known this was the girl--- I could see you all over 'Carry the Weight'. Well, it's about you," she said, waving Jacqueline off impatiently before she could even say anything to that effect. "But you know what I mean. You've clearly taken her under your wing."

"I did." Past tense. "Now it's time she takes flight."

* * *

 

"I told Ian I was unhappy."

Perking up, it was Adele's turn to shake off the cobwebs of her brain to give her friend her full attention.

"I didn't tell him about... Jane," Jacqueline said, feeling somewhat easier now she felt she could say her name to Adele. "But I did talk to him about our marriage."

"And how did that go?"

"He thinks the answer is for us to spend more time together. It was terrible timing, given everything that was going on at Scarlet. He was actually going to go with me to Paris, had Andrew book him a ticket-- but when I found out I told him it wasn't a good idea."

"Why didn't you want him to go?", Adele asked, eyebrows knitted, swinging her legs to the side of the chaise and leaning forward.

"That's the thing, there was no reason for him not to. I just didn't... want him there."

Adele deadpanned, "I do hope you didn't put it like that when you broke it to him, luv."

"I told him that I'd be working the whole time, which was true, but he was upset. We had a big fight. He said I wasn't making an effort, working late so often. I told him a work trip wasn't the best way to reconnect."

"Well, he'd certainly agree if he knew what else 'work'," said Adele, emphasizing the word, "entailed for you."

Jacqueline snorted, choosing to omit the late nights Ian complained about were often spent in Jane's company. Nights that, for an outsider looking in, were perfectly innocent, but in reality were anything but. 

"She wasn't going to Paris. Well, she did go, in the end, but--" Jacqueline trailed off, shaking her head.

"Oh?"

"She wanted to talk to me about her article," Jacqueline explained, trying to make it seem like Jane hopping on a plane to a foreign country to talk to her was the most natural thing in the world, knowing even as she was saying it that it was a lost cause.

"Right, the girl went all the way to France to talk to you about her article. Here I was thinking that calling, texting, facetiming... e-mailing, were all perfectly adequate alternatives to international 8-hour flights. Silly me," Adele mocked, eyes sparkling mischievously.

Jacqueline recalled her shock when she had been in her hotel room and received a text message from Jane asking to meet her in the lobby. She had done a double take, her heart racing, and mentally prepared herself before making her way down to meet her. The last few days before her trip had been such a whirlwind they barely talked, and then, all of a sudden, there she was--

Tutting and shaking her head at the distant look in Jacqueline's eyes, Adele moved to fetch her friend's glass and take it to the liquor cart. They needed more whiskey.

* * *

 

Jacqueline and Adele had pretty much been dozing off on their chairs when Jacqueline was woken by the muffled sounds of the front door to her penthouse opening and the bustle of activity that indicated her family was home.

She didn't move from her chair, and didn't have to wait long before she heard a familiar voice saying a couple of feet behind her, "Please don't tell me you have been drinking on an empty stomach."

"Does he think he's dealing with amateurs here, Jackie?", Adele mock-indignantly asked, stretching up to accept a kiss on her cheek from Ian. They'd quickly polished off the mini pretzels Jacqueline had retrieved from her kitchen earlier to soak up all the booze.

"He should know better," Jacqueline replied in an equally fake indignant tone, as Ian made his way to her and kissed her forehead.

"I hope you've been talking this one into taking it easy for a while, Adele." Jacqueline couldn't help but tense up, and she sincerely hoped Ian didn't notice.

"Oh, I have." If he didn't, Adele's stare let her know she certainly did.

"I'm gonna go get started on dinner. It's pizza night, the boys were talking about Marguerita. Any special requests?"

"Marguerita sounds delish," Adele assured, as Ian excused himself and made his way inside. She watched him go before fixing her gaze on Jacqueline once again, who was suddenly very interested in the hem of her shirt.

The two women stayed in companionable silence for a while. Adele wasn't speaking, but knowing her, Jacqueline knew she wasn't letting her reaction to Ian's words slide.

"When you... " As Jacqueline looked up and met her eyes, the older woman seemed to lose her nerve.

"Adele. Please."

After a brief moment of hesitation, Adele's face hardened, and she did not hesitate this time before saying, "Ok, let me ask you this. When you lost your position at Scarlet, did you think it was a blessing in disguise? Or..."

"Or what?"

As if on cue, Jacqueline heard a loud burst of laughter and turned in her chair to peer inside the glass walls, into her home, where she could see Ian and their youngest boy. James appeared to be kneading the dough for their pizza and was laughing at his dad, who was standing next to him and had started belting out "That's amore" as he attended to the pan of sauce on the stove. Their oldest was sitting on a stool at the kitchen island staring at his tablet, a smirk pulling on the corners of his lips, clearly amused by his old man's antics even as he tried to act like he was above such childish things.

"Or the worst thing that could've happened to you?"

Jacqueline blinked away tears. Recognizing the look on her former protege's face, Adele simply stated, "You already know what you're going to do."

Nodding, Jacqueline gave her a sad smile, and they both stayed there in silence, listening to the happy sounds coming from inside.


	24. We need to talk...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two important conversations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this chapter.

"The boys?" Jacqueline asked, turning around from where she stood in the balcony when she heard the sound of the glass doors opening. Dinner had ended over an hour ago, with Adele leaving after giving Jacqueline a bear hug and making her promise to call later.

"Out like a light," Ian replied, as he made his way over to the liquor cart and poured himself a whiskey. "I give it 10 minutes before they get their phones and tablets out and start playing under the covers."

Jacqueline chuckled. Knowing her sons, that seemed about right. When Ian silently offered to pour her a drink, she refused with a shake of her head, her queasy stomach protesting the notion immediately - she'd had enough for one day.

Plus, she needed her wits about her for the conversation that was about to take place.

"We need to talk," she finally said, moving away from the railing and taking a seat on the same chaise she'd occupied earlier that evening, clasping her hands.

"We do," Ian agreed right away, dropping down on the chair Adele had occupied earlier, cradling his glass. He seemed apprehensive, but judging by his tone of voice, also more than ready for the conversation that was about to take place. "I was thinking we could start with how, a couple of weeks ago, I flew eight thousand miles to surprise my wife and succeeded-- only it wasn't the happy surprise I had been hoping for."

Jacqueline had bowed out of the Scarlet party early that evening, feeling the beginnings of a migraine coming on. When she got to her room at the hotel the first thing she did was tow off her shoes and slip out of her dress, that felt as uncomfortable as it looked fabulous, and head straight into a hot shower.

When she got out, wrapped in a robe, the throbbing pain in her head successfully downgraded to a dull ache, it was to the sight of Ian and a room service cart containing a bottle of champagne and strawberries. To say she was surprised is an understatement. And she made no effort to hide her displeasure from him. The argument that ensued ended with Ian grabbing his bag and getting on the next flight out of Paris, and Jacqueline's headache returning with a vengeance.

"That's because I'd told you before I left that it was a work trip and not...", Jacqueline started saying, getting agitated. "You didn't listen--"

"I did listen," he countered, raising his voice, "which is why I made sure I missed all the fashion shows, the preparation for the party and the party itself, to give you your space--"

Jacqueline shook her head and bit her lip, looking down at her feet.

"But it's always about work with you, isn't it? Even that girl showed up on a Friday night in Paris to talk about an article, for crying out loud--"

"Girl-- what girl?" Jacqueline asked, her head snapping up to look at him.

"That writer of yours, Jane?" Ian replied with a frown.

It was like watching all the pieces of a puzzle coming together and forming a picture. Jane's strange behavior, her distance... it all made sense now.

_Oh, Jane..._

"Why didn't you tell me--", Jacqueline started saying, and quickly added, "Was she upset?"

"Was she upset..." Ian repeated as if he hadn't understood the question, and then he stopped talking and stared at his wife in shock. The silence that followed wasn't long, but it was deafening to Jacqueline's ears.

"Oh my god," he finally said and then started laughing - a hysterical and humorless laugh. Getting up, he linked his hands behind his head and looked up, nervously pacing the balcony, as Jacqueline closed her own eyes in response.

"It's not like that," Jacqueline offered, so quietly she thought he might not have heard her at first.

"Then what is it like, Jacqueline?" he asked, coming to a stop in front of her chair. "Are you telling me you don't have... feelings for this girl? That she doesn't return those feelings? Because if you are... that'd hurt a lot less than anything else you could possibly tell me. So please, go right ahead."

Swallowing hard, she looked him in the eye and said, with a sad smile, "That... I can't tell you."

"Yeah, I figured as much." Ian dropped back down on the chair then, rubbing his face with a hand before bowing his head down. He looked defeated, Jacqueline thought. Tired and defeated. Jacqueline wanted to comfort him like she had so many times over the past twenty years, but this time she was the source of his pain.

"What I can tell you is that... nothing happened between us."

"Nothing physical, you mean?"

"Yes."

He nodded and took another sip of his drink. "I wish that were all that mattered."

"I'm sorry."

Looking at her, he said, "So am I."

"This isn't about Jane," Jacqueline attempted to explain. "Not just her anyway. Something's been... off for a long time. We've just been too--"

"--too comfortable to do anything about it," he finished her answer.

Jacqueline smiled at him sadly once again. Somewhere along the way, they'd lost something - something important, that kept them going and helped them navigate all the ups and downs of parenting and busy careers that kept them apart for long stretches of time. She couldn't tell you what that something was, exactly.

Only that she had, quite unexpectedly, found it elsewhere.

"I can't do this... right now. I need some time... to think," he said, snapping Jacqueline out of her reverie.

She nodded.

"To answer your question, she was quite upset... that night," Ian said with a shake of his head. "I'm kicking myself for not realizing--" Then he opened the glass door and entered the house, leaving Jacqueline alone outside.

* * *

 

When Jacqueline finally left her balcony later that evening, she was followed by a mix of emotions she didn't know how to begin to tackle. Her house was eerily quiet as she made her way around the living room, picking up after her sons and turning down lights. She knew immediately that Ian wasn't there, and it didn't take long for her to realize that he wouldn't be returning home that night - a cursory glance around their room as she got ready for bed was enough to let her know that. The first thing she noticed was the book missing from his bedside table. Then, when she went into the bathroom to take off her makeup, his toiletry bag hadn't been sitting on his side of the counter. Later, when she opened his closet door it was only to confirm what she already knew - he'd packed a bag and gone somewhere. Only this time he hadn't left on a work assignment, or to go on a weekend fishing trip with his buddies. This time, he'd left home - his home, _their_ home - because she drove him away. She felt a deep sadness at that, one that was surpassed only by guilt. Guilt that she'd hurt someone she loved like that.

_Guilt that she felt so relieved._

It was an undeniable fact - as sad as she felt about hurting her husband, Jacqueline also felt relief for finally unloading a secret that had been weighing on her for so long, even if that meant possibly altering the course of four people's lives.

Not four, she immediately corrected herself. _Five_.

For the past couple of weeks, since Fashion Week, Jacqueline had been wracking her brain trying to make sense of the changes she could see in Jane, trying to decide whether or not to confront her about her strange behavior. Something had held her back, though - it was either the pesky part of her that wondered if this whole thing between them wasn't a figment of her imagination or the one that told her that, whatever the reason for Jane's change, they had dodged a bullet, and should leave well enough alone.

Rationalizations born out of denial and fear, respectively, the first one obliterated to smithereens by what Ian told her.

_Jane had gone up to her hotel room._

A shiver ran down Jacqueline's spine at the mere thought of opening the door to her room and finding Jane on the other side. She could still see her eyes when they met at the beginning of the Scarlet party, the sheer determination and resolution in them. Jane had been about to open her heart to her--

Sighing, Jacqueline absentmindedly picked up her phone, which had been charging on her bedside table, and saw two missed calls.

Two missed calls from Jane.

* * *

 

"What's all that noise, I can barely hear you," Jacqueline complained, removing her phone from her ear and squinting at the screen - the signal was strong.

"Hold on, let me take you somewhere," the woman said. A few moments later, Jacqueline heard the distinctive sound of a door shutting and then the background noise diminished considerably.

"Is that better?"

"Yes. Are you having a party?"

"Oh, hardly. It's a small get-together of friends at my hotel suite."

"First, not to be nitpicky, but that constitutes a party. Second, I know how those 'small get-togethers' of yours go - how many people are we talking here?"

"Oh, it's difficult to tell at this point," Adele said. "I invited Bradley and Jan for drinks, as it's been ages since we last saw each other, and they let me know Raul was in town - you remember him, my dear old friend, works at Town & Country?"

"Vaguely--"

"Well, I gave him a ring and as it turns out he had some people over, so I said he should bring them along, and next thing I knew--"

"You were having a party."

"A get-together of friends, yes."

Jacqueline chuckled, deciding to humor Adele's reluctance to call a spade a spade. The woman's spontaneous parties - or "get-togethers", as she preferred to call them - were the stuff of legend, starting at the most random hours whenever she felt like having company. Being a social butterfly and not having any immediate family could get lonely, Jacqueline assumed.

_Speaking of..._

"I told Ian... about Jane."

"About bloody time," Adele admonished. Then she added, in a softer tone, "How did it go?"

"As well as could be expected, I suppose. He said he needed time to think, packed a bag and left."

"It'll be alright, luv."

"I hope so."

"What's the next move?"

For once Jacqueline had the answer to that question. It's not that she didn't know what had to be done at this point, it's just that it scared the hell out of her. "Remember when you told me I needed to figure out my feelings for Jane?"

"I do..."

"I couldn't bring myself to do it before. But..."

"But?"

"But now there's no going back."

* * *

 

"Jane, watching your phone is like watching a kettle on the stove. It's not going to make the water boil faster."

Jane frowned and turned to look at her roommate, who was painting her toenails next to her on the couch. "Well, since I'm not trying to _boil_ my phone..."

Sutton made a face and turned her attention back to her work. "You know what I mean..."

"I tried calling. Twice. She didn't pick up." 

"Exactly, now you have to give her some time to get back to you. She probably has a lot going on right now."

"I know..." Jane said in a huff, then tried to focus on the tv screen. A few minutes later, however, like clockwork, she was back to glancing at her phone, sitting on the couch between her and Sutton.

With a sigh, the blonde picked it up and raised it above her head.

"Hey, give it back--"

"No, you need to stop--"

The phone started ringing.

They stared at each other, wide-eyed, and before Sutton could move a muscle Jane jumped up on the couch and grabbed it from her hand, jumping back down.

Staring at the screen, she froze.

Getting up and waddling on her heels to where Jane was standing, Sutton asked, "Is it her?" At Jane's wide-eyed nod, she added, impatiently, "Well, aren't you gonna answer??"

Shaking her head to snap out of it, Jane touched on the screen and said, "Hello?"

* * *

 

"Jane, hi."

Closing the door to her bedroom, Jane rested her back against it. She thought she'd prepared herself for this conversation when she made the decision to call Jacqueline, but she couldn't have anticipated the effect hearing the woman's voice would have on her. A warmth spread across her chest in spite of everything that had happened... and was still happening.

"Hi," she repeated herself, stupidly. Remembering suddenly that Jacqueline was returning her call, she cleared her throat and tried to think of what she wanted to say. "I, uh--"

"I assume you've heard the news," Jacqueline deduced, filling the awkward silence and sparing Jane from getting her uncooperative brain cells to work. "It's need-to-know only, but I knew that would never work in a place full of reporters..."

Jane chuckled. Jacqueline had to know Kat was her source, but she didn't bring her up. It didn't matter.

"Yes. I-- I want to talk to you." The words rushed out of Jane's mouth, quickly but quietly, without her permission. "I... need to talk to you."

Closing her eyes, Jane held her breath waiting for a reply. When none came in the next few seconds, her heart, which had started beating faster the moment her phone started ringing, began pounding against her chest.

"I need to talk to you, too," Jacqueline finally said, softly, and Jane let out a shaky breath.

"Oh." Sliding down against the door, Jane sat down on the floor, hugging her knees. Cradling her phone against her ear and her leg, and covering her other ear with her free hand, she tried to muffle any other sounds in the room and focus only on Jacqueline's voice, like she always did whenever they spoke on the phone. It was like she was in the room with Jane when she did that.

"Not just about... the news," Jane explained, just as softly as Jacqueline had spoken before. "About Paris."

"Paris..." Jacqueline repeated the word quietly, then sighed. "I've been doing nothing but thinking about Paris in these last few weeks. It's gotten to the point I'm sick of hearing the word--"

Jane let out a laugh, remembering her own complicated history with Paris - one that began innocently enough with Sutton's irritating enthusiasm before Fashion Week, but then turned into an absolute nightmare on her last night in the city, and continued to haunt her to this day.

"I know exactly how you feel," Jane was quick to say before Jacqueline could ask her about her reaction. "But it can't be helped, I'm afraid."

"No, it can't," Jacqueline agreed. Jane could hear the light amusement in her voice, like she was happy just to be talking to Jane. It made Jane happy, so happy, and just like that, she was back - back to where she was before Paris, before Ian, before she told herself it was all over before it even started... before she told herself she had to move on. Jane was back to square one, feeling both happy and absolutely terrified. She blinked back stubborn tears.

Taking a deep breath and waiting a few moments to make sure her voice wouldn't fail her, Jane asked, "Can we meet somewhere?"


End file.
